Love for the game: Soccer

Basketball players with soccer backgrounds are usually pretty good with their passes and have a clearer court vision. Steve Nash is one such player. Soccer teaches players to pass just for the heck of it, i.e. not every pass has to lead directly to a basket. I love to play soccer, almost as much as I love to play basketball. Watching soccer is a different matter though. Case in point, this World Cup, the first clash of the heavyweights, Brazil vs Portugal. Final score 0-0. I sat through the first 80 minutes of it. Couldn’t endure the final minutes. It was somewhat slow. I’m pretty sure Ronaldo met with Mike D’Antoni before this match. He couldn’t touch the ball without attempting a shot, regardless of where his teammates are. The 7 seconds or less may work in basketball, but it kills soccer completely. This slug-fest prompted me to come up with some things that could spruce up soccer.

These are the things I’d like to see in football:

Pyramid Penalty Shootout

1. Add Backcourt Violation, or rather Backfield Violation.

2. 2 minute shot clock, i.e. unless a team attempts a shot on goal within two minutes of gaining possession, the ball is turned over to the other team.

3. Unselfish play with pass first mentality. Is that so hard?

4. No more offsides. Hurrah!

5. How about Ice Hockey style walls on the sides, thus eliminating out of bounds completely? Think of the crazy passes it would make possible.

6. Confirming calls with video replays. I’m sure England concurs with this.

Now for some real suggestions:

- At the end of a match, when it’s time to exchange jersey with a rival, hand him your jersey, slam his jersey on the ground and jump and stomp all over it, then take back your jersey and thank him for holding it.

- When referee shows a red card, make horns on your head with two fingers, kick back the turf a couple of times with one foot, and charge at him like a bull. Bonus points if the referee gets into the spirit of it and plays matador with you.

- When the referee shows a yellow card, look at it intently, shake your head and say “Nope, it was a Jack of Hearts.”

- The linesmen remind me of the British guards at the palace with long black hats. They are the most impassive ones on the field. I see players arguing with their offside calls with wildly impassionate gestures and these officials just stare blankly with the flag raised. I propose a mini game. Go all out. Curse them. Snatch their flag pole, clamber onto it and run around like a witch trying to fly on a broom. The first players to incite a reaction from them are awarded, something.

- After being tackled, start squirming and writhing around like a fish out of water, and motion for a stretcher. When it arrives scramble on to it. Continue writhing till the stretcher reaches the sidelines, then hop off singing “Eye of the Tiger” and jump back in the action. In basketball we call this “The Pierce”.

- In basketball, if a foreign object landed on the field, the referees would suspend play till it’s removed. In high level leagues, there are wipers on the sidelines who wipe the floor after a player takes a spill. Fans in soccer are known for bloody riots and throwing random stuff on the fields.

Take it a step further. Make it mandatory for fan’s attendance to bring something to throw. The players can then use these items against their opponents by throwing bottles, stuffed animals, and what have you at the other team to disrupt them. That would add a whole new dimension to soccer.

- I’ve observed that after scoring a goal, players always run somewhere, away from everyone else to cut a lone figure on the field, and then they stop and are mobbed by their teammates. Well, cut out the last step. Keep running. See how far you can run and dodge your teammates till they finally catch up to you/give up the chase.

- In case of a tie, games are decided by penalty shootouts. This is quite an arbitrary way of settling the outcome. I propose a novel test of teamwork, physical coordination and test of aim. Here’s how it works:

Players form up a pyramid in 5-3-2-1 formation. Vertically. The five guys on the bottom carry the rest of the team on their shoulders. The other team gets to take shots at them and try to topple the pyramid in fewer shots than their opponents. See how penalty shootouts pale in comparison to Pyramid Shootouts(TM Pending)?

If Seppy Blatts is reading this, hook me up, together we’ll revolutionize football forever.