Humour: Roy Hodgson Walks Into A Dressing Room…

They say you should always open with a joke. That would explain the quality of the performance in England’s 1-1 draw with Poland a year ago to start this qualification campaign, but it may also explain why Roy Hodgson launched into the much-discussed gag during Tuesday night’s team talk.

Some people seem surprised that he’s cracking funnies, but it’s always been a feature of Roy’s management style. Back when he started as national coach he brought me on board in a new role. There had never been a squad secretary before but apparently some of the senior players had become quite vocal about having to do their own photocopying. Gary Neville unsuccessfully interviewed for the role but he obviously impressed enough to earn a role elsewhere. I, on the other hand, nailed the interview.

I remember casually joking with the new national bossman that his wife would probably be worried about the two of us starting an affair. It remains the only time I have ever seen pure hatred in his eyes. That surprised me because he loves a joke in the half-time talk and the revelations of this week aren’t even revelations to some of us. I’ve dug out the minutes of his half-time talk back at the Euro 2012 quarter-final, which gives you a decent insight into what he’s like all the time.

ROY HODGSON: Alright lads, listen up.

ROY HODGSON consults his notes.

ROY HODGSON: It’s great to be managing here, but I’ve just been managing West Brom so it’s good to be managing anywhere. Seriously though, what’s the deal with my toaster? Does it think I want the bottom half of my toast burned and the other half raw?

STEVEN GERRARD: How do we break them down gaffer? They look so good out there.

JOE HART: I know. Pirlo just looks unreal. How does he do that to his hair?

ROY HODGSON: So I just had a couple of beers with a friend of mine who has no arms. He’s a lovely bloke but he can’t hold his drink.

STEVEN GERRARD: Hilarious gaffer as always, but what about the game? They’re overrunning us and we need to get more of our balls into the box.

ROY HODGSON: Ooh, matron! Did I tell you the one about Gina G and the cast of Birds of a Feather?

FRANK LAMPARD: Yeah, hilarious, but what are we going to do about possession? We can’t get near the ball.

DANNY WELBECK: Yeah, what should I be doing? I’m isolated up front.

ROY HODGSON: Try staying on your feet. You go down more easily than Monica Lewinski after a bottle of Lambrini. Am I right lads? Just kidding, it’s a family show.

WAYNE ROONEY: They’re just keeping their shape so well.

JOE HART: Tell me about it, I’d love to know what product he uses to keep that majestic barnet in place.

FRANK LAMPARD: We just can’t get through them. It’s like trying to get through a wall.

JOE HART: Or like a comb trying to get through Pirlo’s intensely thick locks.

ROY HODGSON: Knock Knock.

FRANK LAMPARD: Should we be getting it wider?

Roy hurls his water bottle across the room and slams his hand on the wall.

ROY HODGSON: KNOCK KNOCK!

EVERYONE: Who’s there?

ROY HODGSON: Mark.

EVERYONE: Mark who?

ROY HODGSON: Nobody specific, we’re going to have a stab at zonal this half. Thank you all, you’ve been great.

Roy leaves.