The many inadequacies of Joseph Blatter

Joseph Blatter

When Matt Le Blanc’s lovable character Joey Tribbiani (on Friends, and if you somehow haven’t heard of it, I pity you) ponders changing his surname to a more neutral name, Mathew Perry’s irrepressible Chandler Bing responds with a “Joey Switzerland”?

Why am I bringing this up in an article about the figure in the picture? Why, because Sepp Blatter himself is Swiss!

This is a country whose very mention conjures images of snow-capped mountains, tight-lipped banks, and even the image of a certain ice-cool racquet-wielding champion.

But by far the most common tag associated with the Swiss is being “neutral”.

They have to be. FIFA’s president spends so much of his time insulting practically every race on earth that his fellow countrymen have got to do something to restore the balance. It is a curse they seem destined to endure for the foreseeable future.

Sepp Blatter, in an announcement that had the footballing world sighing, resigned to its fate, has proclaimed that he could possibly consider another term in charge of FIFA, when his third one wraps up in 2015.

Compared to the usual shit storm that he kicks up whenever he is in a five-mile radius of a microphone, Blatter’s blatant disregard for upholding the democracy of the office he holds is merely a minor discomfort, and we must all bow to his judgement.

Growing up reading the work of acclaimed sports journalist Brian Glanville, there were a few common themes that always remained stuck in my mind – nostalgia, contempt for the Premier League, David Beckham, and Sven-Göran Eriksson. But of particular interest were his sharp accusations regarding FIFA’s president, all of which are, sadly, true.

It always surprised me that someone who thinks the week is wasted if he hasn’t got around to insulting yet another bemused, and frankly shocked victim, could still be in charge of this game since taking up office way back in 1998.

And to see it all unfold on a TV screen that shows a face that registers no discomfort or even anger when he systematically rips through any notions of diplomacy or tact that you would associate with the man “officially” in charge of the beautiful game, has left me a little out of my depth about the way the world works.

Sometimes I think that Blatter is merely a frontman for some evil genius pulling the strings from the background, a Jim Moriarty who merely uses Blatter as a mouthpiece. A man resigned to the ever-present boredom that clouds his life, who has reduced himself to laughing at how he can still shock a world by making the flag bearer for this great game look like an incompetent buffoon.

Either that, or Sepp Blatter is Jim Moriarty, and in his living room is a world map on which he sticks a pin every time he pisses somebody off – one country at a time.

It has me praying for the re-birth of Sherlock Holmes, if only so Moriarty can stick a gun into his mouth, and blow his great, big brains out.

The man is a walking, talking, man-made disaster. For someone who should, in an ideal world, be football’s grand old man, a footballing Gandalf or Dumbledore, if you will – his words reveal an astounding naivety that is unbecoming of the office he upholds, to say the least.

To chronicle all his gaffes in the media would take me hours on end, and I will probably be reduced to screaming into a bag at the end of it all. An exercise in futility; one that can only be a colossal waste of time and energy.

But enough is enough. The man has got to go – there can be no qualms on that front. This game deserves so much more than the many eccentricities of a man who takes for granted the unique position of the office he holds.

Freedom of speech be damned, he should be banned from ever talking into a microphone again!

Joseph Blatter

Why am I getting so worked up? I’m glad you asked. And, oh yes, I forgot to mention this – his obnoxiousness does not limit itself to merely race. Happy reading:

1. The Guardian reported this gem – “Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball. They could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so, and they already have some different rules to men – such as playing with a lighter ball. That decision was taken to create a more female aesthetic, so why not do it in fashion?”

2. Just so the homosexual community doesn’t feel left out – “I’d say they [gay fans] should refrain from any sexual activities,” he said when addressing the cultural factors to consider at Qatar 2022. Remember that Qatar is one among many countries where it is not uncommon for homosexuality to be punishable by death.

3. Ah, where would we be without his pearls of wisdom, when the ugly head of racism rears its head – “There is no racism, there is maybe one of the players towards the other, he has a word or a gesture which is not the correct one, but also the one who is affected by that, he should say it’s a game, we are in a game. At the end of the game, we shake hands, this can happen, because we have worked so hard against racism and discrimination.”

The feeling of bile is strong in my throat now – three seems to be my limit of tolerance for Sepp Blatter quotes for the day. But please, feel free to indulge yourself – the internet is rife with Blatter-isms that will invade the very inner confines of your minds.

Brian Glanville openly wondered about how the game has been run, first during the reign of Joao Havelange, and then by his chosen heir, Sepp Blatter. What confuses me is this – how does a man who has such wide-reaching influence in this game, riding fierce and ever-present accusations of corruption and God knows what else like it were all a joke, succumb to such moments of laughable stupidity in front of a camera?

Is he really, as I have so cleverly deducted, a mere stooge for a modern day Jim Moriarty? If so, does Moriarty now think that I may be his equal, a modern day Sherlock Holmes?

If that is the case, I now speak directly to you, Jim Moriarty – have mercy! I am but a regular guy, with regular aspirations, and most importantly – my life is pretty exciting from where I’m standing. I do not need an evil genius who’s bored out of his mind wanting me dead.

Besides, we regular folk have it pretty good, you know. There is nothing your puppet Blatter can do that will change anything about the way we love and live this game that has never failed to mesmerise and entrance.

In the turn of a Messi, the swivel of a Ronaldo, the dive of a Casillas or even the antics of a Balotelli, we have in our possession something you will never, ever have in your control.

This flame is too hot to handle – even for you, my imaginary friend.