A Modest Proclamation: India Will Lose To Lanka In Cricket World Cup Final

Years ago, terror personified came to India from Sri Lanka. He made a mockery of the best and finest here and took away a trophy, (is calling her a trophy wife inappropriate? Maybe, but not if mentioned with trepidation within brackets) He took a trophy much coveted, and took it back to Lanka. Once again, history is poised to repeat itself.

Bharat Harega. Yeh Tay Hai.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my reasons for saying so, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

For first, I’m talking about Ramayana. They say Indians won in that epic clash. Look at the picture in the Wikipedia Ramayana article.

Ramayan pic on Wikipedia

Lord Ram has to stand on Hanuman’s shoulders just to reach Ravan’s height. Even then he has to put on a tall pointy crown to appear taller than Ravan. What’s that at the bottom you ask? A Vaanar sena member laying it on a demon? If you think that, clearly you’ve never played Street Fighter. The demon is throwing the vaanar here!

Like this

Secondly, this Sri Lankan squad has more in common with the Rakshas Sena than just their homeland. Look at some of their names:Malinga, Chaminda, Tharanga, Tillakaratne, Mahela, and Rangana.

I don’t know about you, but if I had to christen six Daityas, those are the names I’d choose. Sab Ke Sab Naam Se Ek Se Bhad Kar Ek Kunkhar Aur Khaufnak Hai. Haarna To Door Ki Baat Hai, Indian team To PA System Pe Yeh Sb Dil Dehlane Wale Naam Sun Kar Hi Bhaag Jaygi.

Thirdly, I offer further proof that they are demons:

They can levitate:

Udte Daitya

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Apne shakti ka avahan karte hue, One daitya can morph into many:

Daitya Ek. Roop Anek

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Fourthly, home court disadvantage. When Raavan came to India he abducted Sita, caused mayhem and returned. When Ram went to Lanka, he emerged victorious and returned. See the pattern? Clearly, in this war whichever team goes to the others’ home turf, comes away victorious. This time, the Lankans are coming to town. Historical pattern dictates that they will win. Also , the whole game plan of the Indian team is to set fire to Lanka. But this match isn’t being played in Lanka!

Fifthly, I offer the following news excerpt: In an interview with Melbourne’s 3AW radio, Srinivasan, sports editor of Melbourne community newspaper The Indian Voice, said cab drivers would finish their shifts at 8pm to watch the match. “Every person from the subcontinent, particularly the Indians, will be glued to the TV tomorrow,” he said. “And more so if India wins the match, you can forget about taxis on Sunday morning.”

Think you the Australians will take this sitting down? The same Australians who were already beaten by the Indian cricket team? Now will they bow down to this breakdown of transport system in their own country? Expect a covert campaign of tampering from covert Australian saboteurs to cripple the Indian team at every turn.

Sixthly, evolution is against us here. Last time around, there were enough of monkey men among us to form a Vaanar Sena, the kryptonite of the Asurs. What with all the constant evolving, we may have become smarter, but it has left us ill equipped to combat the Asurs from Lanka.

If only there were more of the 4th from left around

Don’t fret, at least we’ll get to see the charms of Pyarelal Popat shedding his cloths when India loses. Some consolation in that.