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Do you know a people pleaser in your life or are you one? This is very common and most of us have engaged in it at some point in our lives. It is a tendency to please others and to avoid any form of argument, conflict, or disagreement. Basically, all efforts are made to comply with the other person, even if it hurts yourself.
It may stem from our past experiences and our ability to maintain social connections. While people pleasing isn't necessarily a negative trait, if you do engage in it excessively it may do more harm than good to your sense of self.
A few consequences are feeling gradually resentful towards the other person, burnout, and being inauthentic. Since you have made a large investment, you are likely to feel frustrated when it is not returned.
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Is it easy being a people pleaser?
You may be surprised to know that one of the roots of people pleasing is trauma. Yes, the trauma response of fawning often leads individuals to engage in this behavior and keep others happy. At the end of the day, it is not easy to be a people pleaser. They generally go to great lengths to feel validated and approved by others.
Typically, people pleasers may have received conditional or no regard from their primary caregivers. As a consequence, they developed a coping mechanism in which they had to make others happy. As you may imagine, this entire process is very exhausting and can put the person's emotional health at risk.
People pleasers may also have trouble setting healthy boundaries. One of the easiest ways to set a boundary is to say 'no' to things that are not comfortable to you or you don't value. For instance, at the workplace, you may end up saying yes to additional work even when you are done with the day. This may eventually lead to the development of burnout syndrome.
Examples of people pleasing
There are many examples of people pleaser behavior. The underlying thought or reason behind each behavior is that you want to avoid confrontation at any cost. At a restaurant, you'll tip the waiter even if they have misbehaved, or you will go with your friends even though you have had an exhausting week.
A very common tendency in people pleasers is to apologise. For the smallest of things, you are likely to feel apologetic and say 'sorry' endlessly. While this trait can manifest differently in everyone, there is also a component of attention-seeking in it.
It is very important to not use this against individuals or stigmatise them. It is a complex trait, in which the person wants to directly or indirectly influence the other person into liking them.
Since we are social beings, we like to keep others happy, but if this is consistently draining you, it might be a good time to pause and reflect.
People pleasing tendencies can result from your inner need to make yourself happy. Because no one else has done it for you, you want to be there for another person. However, it is important to know that you can't keep pouring from an empty cup and need some love and compassion for yourself as well.
Learning to set boundaries, recognizing the roots of people pleasing, and knowing that you don't need to keep engaging in this behavior to be happy are essential starting points.
Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.
