The Paes-Bhupathi-Bopanna saga: Doing soap operas everywhere proud

After spending several fruitless hours trying to identify the exact moment when the whole Paes-Bhupathi-Bopanna-AITA mess turned into a twisted, revolting joke, I realized why I couldn’t find it. It’s because we crossed the point of sanity such a long time ago, that everything looks like a haze of confused smoke now. In the immortal words of Joey from Friends, we are so far away from the line (of sanity), that the line is a dot to us. What I’m still trying to figure out, though, is how the protagonists of this script could possibly have the stomach to let the matter be dragged further and further into the pool of sickness with each passing day. It’s turned into a joke, yes, but it’s simply not funny any more.

Maybe the whole sordid saga will sound a touch less unpalatable if you looked at the events unfolding like they were part of an over-the-top, melodramatic piece of fiction. Let’s try our hand at this, shall we?

So Leander Paes, a veteran, beaten-up warrior burdened by years of toil, woke up one fine day, and was visited by a troubling thought. “I have lost my trusted partner forever”, he sighed. “This means only one thing – I need to start hunting again!” So he approached one of the newbies – the fresh-faced, enthusiastic Rohan Bopanna – and offered him the chance to get a taste of national glory. The impressionable Bopanna was only too willing to learn the tricks of the trade from the master himself, and an alliance was created. Paes and Bopanna refused to make eye contact in front of the cameras, and smiled smugly behind them.

At about the same time that the smiling conspirators were finalizing their sinister deal, though, Mahesh Bhupathi, that ‘lost’ partner of Paes, made an oath to himself. An oath of perseverance and back-back-stabbing. “So that old geezer thinks he can one-up me? He doesn’t know what I’m capable of!” thundered Bhupathi, but still keeping a calm enough head to assess his options. The cupboard of tennis talent in India looked tragically bare, though – who could he bring into his fold? Yuki Bhambri? He cringed at the very thought. So Bhupathi was left with only one option: winning the allegiance of the impressionable puppy, that unfortunately innocent little Bopanna. Another alliance was created, but this time there was no smug smiling behind closed doors: the brazen duo of Bhupathi and Bopanna expressed their association for the whole world to see, openly laughing at Paes’s abandonment. The veteran warrior had been outwitted one final time, and Bhupathi and Bopanna drank to their success.

But the final, most disturbing twist in the tale was yet to come. The AITA, in its infinite wisdom, decide to send just one team to the Olympics, and guess who they decided to team up together? Why the back-stabber and the back-back-stabber, of course! Bhupathi felt his world of carefully-constructed schemes crash around him. “How could they do this to me?” he wailed. Paes, on the other hand, grunted, closed his eyes, and gave a discreet fist-pump. “Catharsis is mine”, he said to himself, as he prepared himself to wait for his petulant ex-partner to come back to the light.

So the stage, finally, had been set. Bhupathi had the chance to end the standoff with a wave of his hand, but temptation was strong. Would he reach a compromise for the greater good of mankind? Or would he corrupt innocence forever by bringing the puppy back into the equation? Alas, Bhupathi chose the latter path, bringing unimaginable turmoil to the tennis world in the process. He laughed in the faces of the AITA officials, rejecting their command, and Bopanna ran to his friend’s aid, proclaiming that he’d rather be dead than draw swords alongside Paes. In their wake, a country of billions looked on in fear and despair. The AITA, stumped, was reduced to issuing empty threats that couldn’t possibly come anywhere close to getting under the skin of the battle-hardened warriors. Higher powers intervened, but to no avail.

Bhupathi refused to blink, Paes had nowhere left to go, and Bopanna hung in there grimly, willing to fight till his dying breath if he had to.

And that, in a nutshell, is where we stand today. You might think that a lot of this is exaggeration, but to be honest, the Paes-Bhupathi-Bopanna saga, even in its bare, true form, could rival Ekta Kapoor’s finest soap operas for sheer, unabashed drama. And all of it would have been fine, really, if not for the small matter that a nation’s Olympic medal hopes rest on the mood swings of two of India’s most celebrated athletes. When the smokescreen falls apart, you realize that the drama, which for the most part seems like it is being played out by a bunch of insolent kids, can only bring harm to India and Indian sport. The quest for Olympic (and, by extension, national) glory has made our stars bring unimaginable embarrassment to our country. Can you say ‘ironic’?