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Offering words of wisdom or counsel to a loved one with depression may be done with the best of intentions. However, if you don't recognize the features of depression and mental illness, your words might not accurately express the meaning you intend.
Remember that depression is a medical condition that needs to be treated, whether that means using medication, therapy, or both. When talking to a loved one about their depression, using cliches can make them feel as if you are dismissing their feelings.
Your words may sound direct and to the point while you're expressing your emotions, but the person with depression may feel insulted, misunderstood, or terribly hurt by them.
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What Not to Say to Someone Who Has Depression
Avoid the following six phrases that are sometimes used with good intentions but can make a person with mental health illness feel worse:
1) Don't think about it
Some individuals with depression experience rumination. It refers to returning to a concept or issue repeatedly without solving it, which can exacerbate helplessness or feelings of worthlessness.
Depression is not something that can be willed away, so urging someone to stop worrying about their problems can be counterproductive. One study suggests that although ruminators frequently request assistance, they often do not receive it, and their rumination creates social conflict.
When a support system withdraws or instructs a person with depression to stop thinking about it, the ruminator has even more to think about.
2) Be Grateful
With depression, there's frequently a great deal of guilt and shame. People who are depressed frequently talk about feeling guilty, worthless, and helpless. Depression has a stigma attached to it, as it's an unseen illness (people don't always seem depressed).
Be thankful for what you have, count your blessings, and similar proclamations suggest that the person is depressed, as they are unable to appreciate what they do have. That may not be the case and can sound very invalidating.
3) Avoid blaming them
Stress, brain chemistry, contextual variables like abuse, poverty, heredity, and other factors that are beyond a person's control frequently contribute to depression.
It's useless to lay blame on a person who's already experiencing difficulty when you say things like, "You wouldn't feel this way if you did this" or "It's your responsibility to feel this way."
Demoralization and a sense of helplessness could result from that. It might be harmful to directly or implicitly blame someone for your depression. Instead, reassure your loved ones that you are there for them in any way they require and that having depression is not their fault or weakness.
4) Don't shame them
Helping someone with depression can be challenging, but it's crucial to maintain patience. The following expressions can only worsen their feelings:
"You only think of yourself,"
"You are crazy, and you ought to consider how this is hurting other people."
It's a frequent notion that people with depression are selfish, yet the opposite is true. People with depression have strong concerns for others and how they affect their lives. They frequently feel guilty about their depression, like a burden, and blame themselves for their inability to recover.
5) "You Should" or "You Shouldn't"
Although well-intentioned, 'should' and 'shouldn't' remarks, such as "You shouldn't watch sad movies and listen to sad music," are frequently ineffective. When we are not able to abide by these "shoulds", they lead to disappointment and feelings of guilt.
The sole responsibility for a person's mental health is placed on their everyday decisions and deeds. As anyone who has experienced depression will attest, it's frequently not as easy as something like cutting out sad music. Instead, try saying something like this: "I want to hang out with you more. What can we do together?"
6) Things could have been a lot worse
Comparisons are useless, as every depressed person faces a different set of challenges. Such claims can easily invalidate someone's experience by downplaying what they are dealing with.
When you tell someone that "things could be worse," you are merely letting them know that you don't want to hear about their struggles. It can occasionally give depressed people the impression that they should feel guilty or ashamed about how they feel, which is never the intention.
Furthermore, such comments oversimplify the emotions and experiences that are connected to sadness. Eventually, those who are depressed don't need to defend their feelings towards others.
Takeaway
Words are powerful. Placing blame, pushing them to cheer up, and downplaying their feelings when talking to someone who has depression can be harmful to their mental health.
As an alternative, giving your loved one a safe place to talk, listening to them without passing judgment, and validating their experience can help them get through this difficult period.
Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.
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