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Delayed grief is a complex psychological phenomenon and yet many of us experience it. Grief is a natural and typical response to a loss. While it is associated to the loss of life, it can also be any type of loss (examples, losing a house after a flood, losing on the years of romance after working in couple therapy, losing a precious item owned by your ancestors, and others.)
We all experience grief. However, sometimes it doesn't follow the expected timeline. Yes, this is to answer all your questions of why some people don't cry at the funeral or how some people move on to doing their things just after a significant loss. These individuals may be experiencing delayed grief.
What is delayed grief?
Our body has mechanisms and response systems that help us respond to different kinds of circumstances. If something good happens, we become happy, if something frustrates us, we become angry and if there is loss, we experience grief. Unlike the five stages of grief, the feelings that you may experience are not linear.
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Many people have been experiencing delayed grief post the pandemic. Since the pandemic changed our lives upside down, many individuals didn't even get the time and space to experience grieving their loved ones.
Some signs and symptoms that you might be suffering from delayed grief can be extremely flat and numb for an extended period of time. The emotions don't seem to return in many cases and the individual displays apathy at large.
There can be disturbances in sleep or your everyday routine. This also may contribute to you having mood swings and you may experience emotional dysregulation. Due to the psychological impact of delayed grief, your cognition may get affected leading to difficulty in concentration.
Why is there a delay in my grieving experience?
Delayed grief can result from various factors. Perhaps one of the primary reason for the delay is that we may end up falling back on our brain's natural defenses like denial. While you may push it off for some time, it may eventually come back to you and disrupt your emotional balance.
There are also many norms around when and how you should experience grief based on culture. People often want you to express grief in a particular way, forcing you to delay your grieving process.
If the losses experienced have been too rapid, it may be difficult to fully experience the loss and register it. This was especially salient during the pandemic. We lost so many people one after the other, and had no time to process the emotions. Now that we finally have the space, it all is coming right back at us.
Delayed grief can also result as a consequence of complex relationships, especially with a signficant other. What did you feel towards them? Was there something that you wanted to convey, but couldn't do so? All unanswered questions may contribute to prolonged bereavement.
Is there a road for recovery? "I feel lost and confused"
There are many ways to better deal with grief. Everyone assumes that a person who grieves will have sleepless nights, will cry all day and mourn, however each individual grieves differently.
You would have noticed that some people casually call out individuals who after one or two days are back to their work, smiling and not showing extreme negative emotions. We must understand that even if there is no obvious expression of grief, we can’t assume that grief is absent.
As soon as you acknowledge the presence of delayed grief, it is ideal to acknowledge the feelings that you are experiencing. There is no shortcut to this. Since you have invested love and effort, you will experience the same intensity of grief. The good news is that you ca learn to ride the wave, with some professional help.
In case, you have noticed the prolonged effects of grief, you may want to seek professional help. Delayed grief impacts your ability to adjust or integrate this experience. It can take time for you to fully accept what has happened.
Dear griever, it is time for you to know that you are not alone. Grief can feel lonely but you don't have to be alone. Wherever we feel love, we also experience grief. It is a sad end to a beautiful story that we all experience. Delayed grief is also an emotional experience that is universal, but still affects everyone uniquely.
Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.
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