Basketball Trash Talking-101

Disclaimer: I disclaim all responsibility for injuries suffered at the hands of opponents who were riled up beyond the point of reason at the hands of the reader’s new-found trash talking prowess.

"Hello Charles." "Why howdy Michael."

Trash talking is a fun and important part of competitive sports. Some sports more than others.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vHEWOqdyTg

It’s like a game within a game. A minigame, where you’re awarded imaginary points that stack up with every wounded/indignant look thrown your way by the victim. Bonus points for inciting a reaction that leads to the victim being tossed out by the ref.

Now anyone can flat out cuss. All they have to do is discuss the family tree of the opponent in disparaging terms and suggest all manners of illicit liaisons between them while tacking on a bunch of adjectives. But that kind of talk tends to slip away like water off a duck’s back. Unless you’re Kevin Garnett.

I’ve covered the importance of KG’s trash talking and the intricacies behind his mind games. That may work when you’re a borderline psycho who does this.

For the rest of us not out of our minds in that way, there’s a roundabout way to get into our opponents’ heads. The idea being to talk smack in such a way that it doesn’t sound like you’re talking trash on the surface. The victims will then have to pause a moment and turn your comment over in their heads. The effect will be twofold.

- One, they’ll be momentarily paralyzed, scratching their heads, trying to figure if your comment worked up to an insult. Their immobility will allow you to blow by them.- When they realize that it did in fact amount to an insult, their embarrassment by your biting and caustic wit will reduce them to tears at their loss of dignity. If you haven’t blown by them already, do so now when they are weeping on the floor.

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Here are some examples of off the center trash talking towards opponents, coaches and refs:

-Hand them a suitcase saying: “Here my man. To better pack your wares in when you do all that traveling.”

-Slip a card into their hands and whisper conspiratorially: “Its full rate for others, but through this voucher you can avail of the 30% discount from my podiatrist after I break your ankles.”

-“Hey stonemason! You could make a fortune with all those bricks.”

-“Yeah take that rebound. Just remember that I got the first shot.”

-“The only limits are in the mind. Don’t seek to contain my brilliance, ref! There are no boundaries in art. Out of bounds my posterior!”

-“What, coach? You said “Shoot jumpers!”. He jumped. Never specified what was to be shot with what. His blood is on you.”

-“You can’t apply the triangle offense even against defense so porous.If you can’t make sense of Hero’s formula, nor can spell Pythagoras.”

-Tell them: “I hear you’re good at dribbling.” Acknowledge their gratitude and continue, ” Wanna know how I know? Yo mama told me you constantly dribbled at the mouth as a kid! Zing!”

Aw. Tho thweet.

Gelnn ‘Big baby’ Davis is especially vulnerable to such zingers.

Here are some other zingers from Garbage Time All Stars: