Australia: "DRS caused series Loss. Bring back Daryl Harper"

LONDON, ENGLAND – JULY 03: Doug Bollinger of Australia celebrates his caught and bowled on Stuart Broad of Engalnd during the 5th NatWest ODI between England and Australia at Lords on July 3, 2010 in London, England.

The Rub of the Green (or the Brown)

“It’s a shocker of a decision. The ball pitched at least six inches outside leg stump. Umpire Harper has clearly lost it”

“Darrell Hair has given Tendulkar out caught at short leg, when the ball was not even close to the bat”

“Steve Bucknor has given it out. It’s a horrible decision. It is a disgrace”

“The ball has hit him on the thigh pad. There’s just no benefit of doubt for the little master. He’s been out LBW four times on this tour already”

Even the Australian (past masters of gamesmanship and pushing the boundaries of legality) commentators could not help but be comprehensively flabbergasted by the “shock and awe” tactics unleashed by the umpires.

There would hardly be a fan of good, true cricket who would not be celebrating the drubbing given by the Saffas to the Aussies in the 3rd test.

Although I myself enjoyed seeing the ‘Whingeing Aussies’ capitulate, for me the highlight of the series was the way Faf got repreives frim the DRS to keep his inning going in the second test. I mean if this is not god’s idea of poetic justice, I’m just waiting for an Alastair Cook golden pair.

Australia : Beautiful country, Great lovely warm people and Masterchef.

But you throw a white flannel coat over any gentleman, and he transforms into some version of the Didi show, a farcical comedy which soon transcends into the tragic.

This is the land which made Michael Holding cry in his debut tour, Sunil Gavaskar threatened to abandon the match, a feat almost repeated by Anil Kumble a few decades later, Rahul Dravid shouted an angst-ridden ‘Come On’ (the only show of emotion he allowed himself in his career), Ranatunga to actually walk out, Murali and Bhajji to fight for their career outside the cricket field and horror, horror almost making Symonds a test cricketer gifting him his maiden man of the match trophy, an award rightly deserved by the White-Man group of Bucknor, Benson and Bruce.

This is the land where Tendulkar has been given out LBW when he was actually S(Shoulder)BW, and Run Out (Obstructed by a Brett Lee who suddenly realized that the best seat in the house is not the umpires but a spot on the batsmen’s running line).

LONDON, ENGLAND – JUNE 30: Australia batsman Michael Clarke (l) leaves the pitch unbeaten on 99 runs during the 4th NatWest ODI between England and Australia at The Brit Oval on June 30, 2010 in London, England.

However this is a land after my own heart because this is the only country which has implemented the one-tip-one-hand catch rule that was the cornerstone of wicket-taking abilities in the halcyon days of gully cricket. So what if they only implement it when the visiting team bats, after all the visitors are in Australia and they can take the ground and pitch home in a show of defiant petulance if the cricket is not to their liking. This tradition set in motion by Ricky “ I did not edge” Ponting and taken to new levels of theatricality by Mike “I have caught it” Slater, has been transformed into an art form by Michael “I have hands that go beneath the grass” Clarke.

Only on closer inspection did I understand that like the other great sport in Australia, the gentlemen above were not playing Cricket: The Garden Variety, but rather playing a very specific version of it called Australian Rules Bat-Ball, and we, the rest of the world were still foolishly and romantically clinging to the idea that there was still some cricket left.

These new rules consisted of such gems like “Don’t Walk, Don’t Tell”, “Waugh is never out” (later changed to Ponting, Clarke, Symonds etc, except Hussey, who has actually never been out), “Warne/McGrath/Lee and Co. will be guaranteed a wicket every 10 overs or every 30 runs, whichever comes earlier” and “The word of an Aussie would never be challenged, unless in the Fifth lower Appelate court of Wagga Wagga, New South Wales (home of the beacon of cricketing spirit, Michael Jonathan Slater).

Matters have come to such a head that children (especially those of the Commonwealth) have started to draw paintings of Ricky Ponting walking when he has nicked the ball without waiting for the umpire in their Science Fiction projects.

And yet the cricketing world is ploughing on, seemingly unaware that the new sport of Australian Rules Bat-Ball will make Cricket extinct very soon.

The ICC should possibly invest in the Anti-Australian Unit before the Anti Corruption Unit, because the Aussies threaten to corrupt the game from inside, and as any Indian will tell you, the ones on the inside always corrupt more.

MOHALI, INDIA – DECEMBER 20: Umpire Daryl Harper discusses the end of the day’s play with Sachin Tendulkar day 2 of the Second Test Match between India and England at the PCA Stadium on December 20, 2008 in Mohali, India.

How is it that Ross Emerson, Daryl Harper, Darrell Hair, Bruce Oxenford, Tony Crafter, Steve Davis, Rod Tucker (basically everyone except Taufel and Reiffel) have never been reprimanded by the ICC. If they were football referees, they would be sure to be debarred from ever entering a match between the under-9 teams of their own neighbourhoods.

If we add the finger wagging skills of Ricky Ponting and the ‘Good Natured banter’ (as Tubby Taylor puts it) being indulged in by the collective pack-hunters masquerading as Australian bowlers, one could make for the perfect case of new age sanctions disbarring Australia from playing any forms of cricket.

And yet the players and umpires both keep on going their merry ways with impunity. Ponting has not been disciplined for his menacing walks, McGrath has not been suspended for questioning the genitalia of opposition players, Slater was never reprimanded for blatant cheating. Again, if this were football they would be docked thousands of euros and been handed red cards like santa on Christmas.

Oxenford gave a wrong Third Umpire Decision in the Adelaide test in favour of Symonds. It means he can’t even make a correct decision with 20 camera angles and ultra-slo-mo footage. And yet where’s the uproar.

Yet we have Virender Sehwag, possibly the gentlest soul to step on the grassy knolls of a cricket field ever, suspended for a test match for ‘Excessive Appealing and Unsportsmanlike Behaviour’, India challenges that decision and the entire White-world media comes raining brickbats of financial muscle and arm twisting tactics.

Ross Emerson no-balls Murali, a man who has been given a clean chit by the sports biomechanics university of that very country, and continues on his merry way with his umpiring howlers.

PERTH, AUSTRALIA – DECEMBER 03: Dale Steyn of South Africa is congratulated by team mates after dismissing Nathan Lyon and winning the series during day four of the Third Test Match between Australia and South Africa at WACA on December 3, 2012 in Perth, Australia.

Daryl Harper gives Sachin out in a series of decision ranging from the borderline to flat out displays of patriotism on his part, and to this day we hear him rave and rant about ‘Unfair Treatment’ meted out to him.

Tony Crafter could have cost world cricket its most beautiful sight, a young west Indian by the name of Michael Holding, who in 1976 almost gave up test cricket after a series of atrocious decisions off his bowling.

We could go on and possibly fans from every country would have horror stories to recount from their cricket teams Australia tours. Maybe that is why the South African victory was hailed across the cricket world, because more than who had won, it was about who had lost.

The Australian media claims the side is weakened by the retirements of bulwarks like Warne, McGrath, Gilchrist, Hayden etc, I believe it is because of the retirement of their biggest impact players Emerson, Harper, Hair, Randell etc and the use of the patently un-Australian technologies going by the collective name of the DRS.

Umpiring in Australia is no more a place for the patriots to do service for their country. Alas, it is now only a place for sport.