Bat, Ball and the 3 mistresses

Bat and Ball and its changing relationship status

Bat-ball is how my four-year-old cousin fondly addresses cricket. It’s as much a part of his routine as his 2 hour-long dinner!Although cricket has always been associated with gentlemen, there’s hardly anything gentlemanly about it anymore (except for the two gentlemen monsieur Duckworth, and monsieur Lewis, who incessantly keep playing spoilsport). Players have become rude, and spectators, ruder. But bat-ball itself has lost its innocence. A game that was once monogamous, is unabashedly bragging of its polygamous misadventures! How have times changed!

Test cricket – The first mistress

Dressed in pure whites, it stretched for 5 days. It was like the arranged marriage of yesteryears. Taking it slow and steady, making sure nothing was left to chance. Unadulterated test of character was its character. For its sheer ability to endure attacks from all quarters it was like the quintessential Indian bride: coy at the beginning, mysterious just after, and enticing for sometime. And then, depending on the previous phases, the fate of the marriage was to be decided. If the game were fast paced, the end would be even more exciting. But if the honeymoon days were played at a dismal strike rate, the end would be a drab draw!

One-Day Internationals – The second mistress

Times changed. It was like the shift from Shammi Kapoor’s hair-banging dance to Govinda’s pelvic thrusts! Both were outrageous, no doubt, but Govinda finished the same routine in less time. As a result, movies could be shortened. And to make things more interesting, Kapoor’s cardigans in pastel shades were replaced with bright, blindingly obnoxious colored tights of Govinda’s!

A similar revolution was in order for cricket. Test cricket was getting boring. It was the time when the 7-year itch caught up! It was time for some extramarital fun!

The white uniforms were replaced with flashy, colorful jerseys (though we must feel sorry for the poor cricket ball, which went from being the ‘red cherry’ to a bland white ball). For once, ladies at home knew that there were two different teams playing. Overall, it was something like post-engagement dating. Where your fate was almost sealed, but you had the ability to spring a surprise! The biggest factor that helped was limiting the total number of deliveries each team had at its disposal. It meant scoring fast (just like one would want to ‘score’ fast with one’s prospective spouse). Averages gave way to strike rates and run rates and economy rates and every other rate possible. It was less about ability, and more about speed. No doubt speed in itself was an important weapon in the arsenal. Yet cricket was polluted somehow. The test match and cricket marriage was on the rocks.

T20 – The third mistress

You knew this was coming. This was straight out of a date-movie with a not-so-happy ending.

20 overs for a side to prove its mettle was like French kissing on the first date, and deciding if the person on the other side of the misadventure would be your partner for life! Cricket was changed forever. There was no stability in the game anymore. Anybody who could wield a bat, or roll an arm could become a star overnight. Monogamy was lost forever. There wasn’t one moment in the game when you could safely predict the outcome. If one moment the game was in the favor of one team, the next few deliveries could ensure a complete reversal of fortunes.

And to make matters worse, this format was to spawn many children in the form of different domestic leagues, where talent was literally bought, and players were sold as potatoes and onions. One could not be blamed if he mistook a team building exercise in IPL to be a Christie’s auction for Einstein’s beard hair!

Oh how I wish the quaint and charming bride could regain its glory!