Cricki Leaks

The team India coach Duncan Fletcher refused the media from entering the stadium where the Indian cricket team was having its net practice. The speculations were set at rest when we learnt that Duncan had a brilliant masterplan on the lines of Operation Jugaad to stop the English juggernaut! Despite the heavy security and Duncan guarding his masterplan, like Chanderpaul guarding his wicket, we managed to sneak in. We managed to get this juicy bit leaked to us and since it would get lost in the Mayawati – Assange leaks and their verbal duel, we decided to publish it exclusively here with a little delay. The way team India is playing, Mayawati’s footwear is bound to make more news than the footwork of the Indian batsmen which was displayed in abundance when they walked back to the pavillion!

After the thrashing received by the Indian cricket team at the hands of the English team, Duncky had no option but to think out of the box else the BCCI threatened him of replacing him with Mohinder Amarnath, as the team India coach despite the fact that he does not even know how to use a laptop!! This would be like replacing Katrina Kaif with Poonam Pandey! And this seems to have prompted Duncky to come up with this bizzare masterplan.

The strategy of Prof. Duncan is to confuse the English cricket team with the little known attributes of our players. Duncan calls the trio of Munaf-Praveen-Vinay, the 150 kmph club. The reason being that the aggregate bowling speed of the pace trio is 150 kmph as opposed to Varun Aaron’s tearaway pace of 151 kmph. Now you know why Aaron is not selected? According to Duncan, Vinay Kumar’s pace will be the surprise packet. Now, if you call Vinay Kumar, a fast bowler, then Tusshar Kapoor is Leonardo Di Caprio!! The ploy is to give Vinay Kumar the new ball and confuse the English Batsmen. How? With his fastest delivery being slower than Shane Warne‘s flipper, Alaistair Cook will be confused whether to hit him for a four or a six! On the other hand, Keiswetter will be at his wit’s end whether to clobber Vinay Kumar out of the ground or out of the stadium. Now the plot thickens here. There would be a mini contest among the English batsmen to see who has the maximum distance hit and this dilemma could result in a couple of wickets in the powerplay itself. Amazing Duncan!

You got me, didn’t you?

Munaf Patel could be the second joker in the pack (no pun intended). It seems after Jonty Rhodes was appointed as the fielding coach by the Mumbai Indians, he managed to reform everybody and raise their fitness and agility including that of team owner Mukesh Ambani. (Haven’t we seen how swiftly Mukesh bhai jumped from the chair to cheer when Tendulkar hit a boundary in IPL-4?) Of course Nita ben signalled him when to cheer and when not to! We are told that Mukesh bhai’s cricketing knowledge is as good as Michael Holding’s Urdu!

Jonty has not been able to award the “Rhodes’ scholarship to Munaf as he just refuses to improve. Don’t we remember Munaf busy chatting with the support staff when the entire team was doing the victoy lap after we won the 2011 World cup? Duncan has this ace up his sleeveless sweater. The moment Munaf runs in to bowl, he can only evoke one reaction-Laughter!!. Imagine Ravi Bopara and Ian Bell hurting their jaws laughing at the leisurely run up of Munaf which would make Vajpayee faster than Usain Bolt! Apart from hurting their jaws, laughing at this sight, there is every possibility of their jaws getting locked in the helmet visors which may rule them out of the next fixture. And if we get lucky the English batsmen may even get abdominal cramps holding their tummies laughing at Munaf !! Brilliant Duncan sir! Just too good!

In fact, Duncan also replaced, all the tracks from Munaf’s i-pod with one track, “Bhag DK Bose”, from Delhi Belly and made him play it in a continuous mode and Munaf has been asked not to believe Amir Khan when he says DK Bose is just a name. Munaf has beeen specifically advised not to search for the real meaning in the song but to listen to the track. Duncan is confident that this “Bose DK” track is bound to improve Munaf and would help him to run in faster!! Rahul Dravid will be introduced as a pinch hitter. This would be like Shyam Benegal doing a Dabaang with Om puri as Chulbul Pandey. In fact the three successive sixes he hit in one over in his debut T20 match has taken his overall international tally of sixes, to 5. This piece of statistics comes from our statistician, who was returning from Mallya’s late night party and readers are advised to check the record books. Ravinder Jadeja has not been given a special brief but has been asked to be himself fielding close-in. The looks of Jadeja would by itself act as an irritant for the English batsmen thereby resulting in lapses in concentration! Duncan you are a dada!!

By the time the 5th ODI is played Dhoni, Viraat, Ashwin would abandon the tour citing injuries to prepare themselves for The Champions Trophy. Ajinkya Rahane is likely to be the captain, Parthiv the wicketkeeper, Joginder Sharma would get a recall and may spearhead the bowling attack and team India’s fastest bowler Varun Aaron would be running on the field with drinks bottles!! Duncan you are fabulous!!