Five reasons why Duncan Fletcher is not sacked

3. No multiple captain theory

“After the Greg Chappell era, we have had done away with experiments” was what the Indian skipper announced at a press conference some days back in an attempt to justify Suresh Raina’s inclusion in the playing eleven. It is fascinating how he escaped controversy with that statement because, unintentionally or otherwise, he did make it sound like the Australian had been a nightmare.

Duncan Fletcher with his one and only captain – MS Dhoni

History says Chappell had been sacked for his weird theories – same with John Buchanan and his multiple captain theory – but only after they had succeeded grabbing the pie from one particular Bengali cricketer. Coincidence or conspiracy – whichever you prefer – facts state Duncan Fletcher has been vigilant enough not to toe the line.

He had sacrificed a couple of goats at a certain Kalighat temple during his visit to Kolkata but has remained tight-lipped about it as usual. If one had to go by gossips, he may assume that Fletcher was thankful to that Bengali cricketer for retiring before he took up.

Such has been Fletcher’s devotion to his skipper, that he has never questioned the latter’s decisions – no matter how rebellious and logic-defying those may be – and neither has he ever passed a word at a press conference where Dhoni has been present.

2. No homework

“If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.”

Being a Pottermaniac, how can Fletcher forget those wise words of Sirius Black? In more instances than one, he has convincingly defeated Suresh Raina and Murali Vijay in Counterstrike. Yet, he knew he mustn’t be harsh towards his inferiors and must not give them homework.

Take a cue from what happened to Arthur. Homeworks are only meant for the school children – one of the many BCCI thumb-rules state – and after Tendulkar, no school children are to be considered for an India cap. Thus it rules out Fletcher’s possibility of enforcing homework on even the naughtiest of his students.

“It’s one of those exceptional occasions where he used his brains. He knew he could never drop Rohit on the excuse of homework. He had to keep on playing him until he scored a double century, since Rohit is a crowd-favorite and his batting earns huge revenues for a certain Noodles manufacturing company”, whispered someone.

1. I didn’t do anything

A man loses his job only when he does something. If a coach has done nothing, how can you fire him?

Duncan Fletcher turned out to be a genius to hold his position since he was aware of every possible way he could keep his job. All he had to do was nothing. Trouble was that he took it a bit more seriously than was required. He didn’t stop the fall during the whitewashes, didn’t speak to the press, didn’t give a pep-talk in the dressing room prior to a match, didn’t even show emotions when the eleven returned vanquished.

When have cricket boards round the world began sacking coaches for only playing video games and fiddling with his iPad?

“It is an Indian tradition to look after foreigners and treat them with utmost respect and cordiality. We can never even think of sacking Duncan,” a well-placed source chipped in at the end of another inconsequential Board meeting.

When asked about the horrible record overseas, he said, “It’s a matter of perception you know. India has been unplayable in the subcontinent and Duncan being a Zimbabwean, is foreigner to India.”

“So I’d rather say Duncan’s records in away matches have been tremendous, while that of Team India have been poor. It’s not the same,” he winked.