ICC launch 'opt in' scheme to limit 'filthy DRS smut'

Leading DRS providers will in future have to run an ‘opt in’ system for teams wishing to view videos of controversial crease action, the ICC announced today. The new scheme, which comes into force after pressure from the BCCI and British prime minister, David Cameron, hopes to remedy the present situation whereby innocent, impressionable cricketers can be exposed to controversial sounds and images that are alleged to cause them irreparable damage if they ever grow up.

The issue came to a head in recent matches between England and India when large numbers of young players – who are our future – inadvertently stumbled across video content with names such as ‘Snicko Sickos’ and ‘Hot Spot Harlots’, the latter of which involved huge amounts of Vaseline and fetishistic wrist work. In one notable incident at the world cup earlier this year, many players were exposed to a video called ‘Bell End Balls Up’, which contained footage of credulity being ravished by technology as an entire balcony of England staff gasped with relief.

After taut negotiations in which an unnamed BCCI representative with a dodgy moustache claimed all parties had ‘given it the full monty’, ICC boss Haroon Lorgat explained the decision: “For many years, every cricket nation has been using DRS providers to fulfill their own particular vile needs without any thought for the welfare of the players,’ he said addressing fans on his pay-per-view stump cam. ‘The absolute last thing Sharad and I want cricket to be associated with is unadulterated pleasure.”

Although believed to crestfallen at the news, leading DRS advocate Tony Greig was unavailable for comment, but a source close to the ex-England skipper claimed he was being comforted at a ‘lovely’ Sri Lankan hotel. “No, say ‘really lovely’ and get me a delicious, thirst-quenching Pepsi,” the source added.