Kurukshetra at Capetown - Past in the Future

Plot (in brief): India face South Africa in an epic battle for victory on foreign soil after two miserable tours to England and Australia. The whole tour is reduced to a single match – one ‘unlimited overs’ inning a side

Pre-requisite for readers: A basic knowledge of the Kurukshetra war.

Starring: Sachin, Sehwag, Kohli and the Pathan twins as the Pandavas (from eldest to youngest)

Dhoni as Krishna

Jacques Kallis as Bheeshma

AB deVilliers as Drona

Johan Botha as Karna

‘Dada’ as Balarama

‘Reel’ Length: Still being measured.

Plot:

Overcast skies loomed over Cape Town. An eagle soared over the battlefield, striking fear in the hearts of the rodents and snakes that crept through the undergrowth. The two sides walked out to the arena – the place where bloodshed was going to be inevitable (Steyn, Morkel and Philander were playing on a hard and green surface against jumpy Indian batsmen). The Pandavas put in the Kauravas to wield the bat first. As the chariots drew close (Nasser Hussain mistook them to be donkeys), one particularly impressive Pandava, the mighty archer Arjuna (Kohli) looked at his leader.

‘O Krishna! The man with the Midas Touch! I am unable to carry on further. I see my relatives and cousins on the other side. There is the Grand Old man Bheeshma who taught me when he was at Bangalore; there is Drona who preferred to concentrate on me over Saurabh; forget Albie, there is my one-time companion Steyn, my best pal Kevin!

Krishna (Dhoni) cut in between, ‘Oi ruk! Where is Kevin? This is SA, not England’

‘Both same!! You can include Trott and Strauss too! They are all my kin, I can’t fight against men I shared a dressing room with!’

Krishna, caressing his hairlocks nonchalantly, replied:

‘O Arjuna! Look at me! I am Indian cricket! The IPL began with me, and ends with me! Your IPL performance brings you into my consideration; my consideration brings you to perform in the IPL! Contact Jaddu for details. Cast your doubts aside and take up your arms! Yadhaa yadhaa hi dharmasya….!’

The Gitopadesh: ‘Look at me! I am Indian cricket!’

The Pandava army had seven akshauhinis*, the Kaurava army had eleven (one Akshauhini in SA refers to a player whose place in the team can never come under scrutiny because he performs consistently. In India, the reason alone differs). The vuvuzelas were blown to mark the start of the battle and the umpire, dressed up in armor and head-gear, signaled fight…er.. play. (Back home, on TV, SRK made a mental note of designing his team’s helmets in the same way).

*An Akshauhini in reality was an ancient battle formation that consisted of 21,870 chariots, 21,870 elephants, 65,610 cavalry and 109,350 infantry

Day 1:

The Pandava army ran into the ageless Bheeshma (Kallis), the commander-in-chief of the Kauravas. As the battle wore on till noon on the first day, the Pandava archers were clueless against the shield of the white-bearded warrior. They tried hurling balls, arrows, stones, and even a handful of landmines at him. All he did was block them with a smile, as if to say ‘Is that all you have got?’. At one point, Krishna, enraged at Bheeshma’s invincibility, took the ball in his hand and gave his gloves to the fielder at first slip, shouting ‘Rahul Bhai, this time it is wicket keeping..!’. It took the combined effort of the Pandava brothers to calm him down, reminding him that Dravid had retired in March. They also reminded him of his vow of ‘not contributing’ physically in the war. The day ended with no casualties in the Kaurava camp, and a lot of soreness in the Pandava camp.

‘Rahul Bhai, this time it is wicketkeeping!’

Day 2:

The first session on Day 2 was no different from the first, and at a loss for ideas, Krishna called up Sahadeva (Irfan Pathan) to bowl the first over after lunch, instructing him to wear a ‘Danny Morrison’ mask at the point of delivery. Bheeshma refused to play anything hurled at him by a commentator (well, sort of!) and gave up his wicket without any defense. Drona (AB deVilliers) was made the next commander-in-chief to shoulder the responsibility of leading the Kauravas’ charge and he promptly set to work, cutting and slashing anything and anybody in his path.

As tea neared, Krishna devised a plan to end Drona’s aggression. He declared that there was a crack near the good length area and shouted at Bheema (Sehwag) to pitch it right there. Drona refused to give in to such guiles and declared that he would trust it only if Yudhishthira (Sachin), who was known to speak only the truth, confirmed. After all, even the match referee for the Sydney 2008 test had believed only what Yudhishthira said. Hearing this, the oldest Pandava solemnly declared ‘Yes, there is a ‘crack’.. not in front of the stumps, behind it’. Exactly at that moment, Krishna played the highlights of Gayle smashing Delhi all over the park, on his Blackberry. The cry of ‘DEAALLEEF Maximum’ from ‘You-Know-Who’ became audible, but Drona heard only the first half and promptly jumped out to inspect it, unaware that the bowler was in his run-up. The umpire too did not take note of the fact that Drona was not ready. He assumed the commander’s ‘lying-on-his-face-searching-for-the-crack’ action to be just another bizarre stance. Bheema seized the opportunity and completed the delivery, rattling the stumps. Day 2 ended on a happy note for the Pandavas as it was their turn to bat the next day.

The umpire thought it was just another bizarre stance from him, like this one in an earlier match

Day 3:

The Pandavas were subjected to different kinds of weapons that they had only heard of – the out-swinger, the in-swinger, the yorker, the cutters and the little change-ups (God! I need to get Danny off my head!!). The tall Kaurava warriors caused a lot of problems for the Pandavas, but the efforts of the brothers helped them draw close to overhauling what the Kauravas had managed. Arjuna was at his menacing best and as the ball got older, there was no stopping him. The Kauravas were perplexed at his frequent flashing of a finger (no no, not ‘that’, this was just an innocent attempt to mark his guard at the crease). Though some of the Pandava warriors retired hurt that day, it was pretty much the Pandavas’ day as they had made good ground and managed to tire the ferocious Kaurava warriors. More importantly, Arjuna was still there at the crease.

Day 4:

Krishna used his ‘Maya’ (read ‘good luck’) to make it rain on the fourth day. The ball was tough to grip, and with the faster warriors tired, Karna (Botha) came on to bowl his ‘generous’ off-spinners. The wet ball made his job difficult and Arjuna wasted no time in smashing him all over the battlefield. In midst of the chaos, Karna forgot the technique to bowl the ‘doosra’ (the Brahmastra). Seeing the unfair advantage that Arjuna held, he shouted out to him, ‘O Pandava, have you forgotten the code of conduct on the battle-field? Don’t you know that you cannot attack a warrior when you have an unfair advantage over him?’. Hearing this, Krishna retorted, ‘Where was your code of conduct when Drona smashed Nehra all over the park? Nehra too was finding it tough to grip the wet ball and begged to pause a bit. Tit for Tat! Gotchaaa…!!’. Arjuna finished him off with a trademark ‘flick of the wrists’ (the trademark was for the shot, not the cliche).

In the Past: ‘No! Please wait a moment! The ball is wet! I guess your shots have reduced it to tears!!!’

Day 5:

With not much left to defend, the Kaurava army meekly surrendered to the force of the Pandava army. Pandavas eventually emerged victorious. What they could not do in England and Australia, they had managed against the mighty Kauravas. But as the Pandavas were returning to the camp, they were stopped in their tracks by Balarama (Dada). He accused Krishna of using ‘negative’ tactics, and threatened to raise a new discussion about Krishna’s credibility as leader (ignoring the fact that Krishna held ‘no responsibility’ for any wickets taken or runs scored by the Pandavas). Yudhishthira pacified Balarama, promising him a place in the House of Elders. Meanwhile, at the studios, Harsha and Navjot made guest appearances and Samir performed a post-mortem of the war. Krishna and the Pandavas left on the next day flight to Indraprastha. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the battle of Kurukshetra.

‘Dont worry, its you next !! ;-) I ll reserve you a seat to my right’

Lessons Learnt:

1. The Pandavas can win overseas only with Krishna at the helm.
2. Epics can soothe your pain, by allowing your imagination to capture the impossible.
3. Rahul Dravid has retired, and it is going to be tough for Dhoni to bowl another delivery in a Test match
4. Extraaa Innings, IPL…. and Danny Morrison existed even during the times of the Mahabharata.

Disclaimer: The mapping of cricketers to epic characters is just a creative representation. Any resemblance to the original, for example, Sehwag wielding his bat like Bheema with his mace, or Kohli coming in at No. 3 in the line-up, is purely co-incidental. You can search for further similarities if you found it interesting!!