Satire: Obama vs Romney: The consequences for world cricket

Obama vs Romney has been one of the hardest-fought battles since Virender Sehwag attempted to put on a pair of trousers he bought a couple of years ago. Here, as a voting aid for Americans going to the polls today, we take a look at each candidate’s likely impact on the game Robin Williams once described as “baseball on Valium”. Go Flubber yourself, Williams.

President Barack Obama

- The incumbent may well have won the Nobel Peace Prize, withdrawn troops from Iraq and is currently trying to introduce Brie-eating French socialism (under the cunning guise of ‘universal healthcare’), but Obama failed to personally congratulate Sachin Tendulkar on his century of centuries – a move described by BCCI President N Srinivasan as “a blatant act of provocation.”

– Despite being happy to drone Pakistan back to the 16th century, our Barack had precious little to say about their spot-fixing scandal.

- Although controversial, the President’s willingness to use force to take out the leader of one of the most feared and hated organisations in the world would perhaps win favour with England fans increasingly tiring of Giles Clarke.

- Another four years would also lead to further grassroots investment of public money in cricket although the key test of any stimulus package will be whether more than seven people are awake during next year’s Champions League T20 Final.

- As an iconic figure of hope desperately clinging on to power despite numerous disappointments, Obama will be perfect to go in at number four for India if and when Sachin decides to call it a day.

Mitt Romney

The former Massachusetts senator had to show his credentials as a lunatic in order to win the Republican candidacy, and this experience should serve him well when trying to win favour at the ICC, but what would his presidency mean for the game as a whole?

– Much like a young bowler may set out to copy a hero’s action, Romney has based his personality entirely on Bob Willis – with the odd hint of misogyny, just to spice things up.

- Despite being defeated in the primaries, and having what looks like Shane Warne’s reconstituted pubic hair on top of his head, Donald Trump’s close support for Romney throughout the campaign could see him appointed to some sort of role within the game.

- Given his status as a notorious “birther”, perhaps some sort of role rooting out those on African passports who go on to represent other nations on the world stage might be suitable – although the ECB are believed to be strongly opposed to such an idea.

- Women cricketers’ physical health would be rigorously tested. Whether they like it or not.- His saving of the Winter Olympics in Utah in 2002 and hard-nosed asset stripping of wasteful, over-engorged franchises make him perfect for a management role in the IPL.