The retirement plan

Cricket was simpler back in the old days. Cricketers led simpler lives, really. They donned the whites, went on to the field and played; and once they were done playing, they hung up their boots quietly and went about their business. If only things were that simple now!

Modern cricketers are beasts of burden. They don whites for five day games, colours for one-day games and advertising hoardings for IPL games. They are subject to constant scrutiny on the field and even greater scrutiny off of it. After all, the after-parties do take their toll on one’s body.

All that, however, is a matter of detail. What really separates the cricketers of today from the cricketers of yore is not when they are playing, but when they are done playing or rather when they want to be done playing. Announcing their retirement is not as it were before.

In the good old days, all that the cricketers had to do was to go to their respective cricket boards and say, ‘Pardon me for interrupting your daily business, sir, but I don’t think that I can continue playing any longer and will be unavailable for further selection.’ The board would then say, ‘Right, off you go, son. All the best.’ Now, however, things have changed dramatically.

If you’re a cricketer, chances are that you’re involved in at least 2 different teams, in addition to being in your national team and if you’re a West Indian, 3 teams (and on occasion, a part of the national team). So, when a cricketer today says that he is retiring from the game, one is inclined to ask, ‘From which one?’

I mean, imagine Sachin Tendulkar quietly calling up Mr. N. Srinivasan and saying that, with immediate effect, he had retired from all forms of the game. I mean, the next time India played Bangladesh who would score the hundredth hundred slowly and ensure that India lost? Who would pseudo-lead the Mumbai Indians and get run-out in a crucial game? Who would sell his Ferrari? Who?! Who indeed.

Or imagine if Rahul Dravid had quietly retired and the selectors announced the team for the World T20 Championship and in a manner of habit added, ‘We have considered Rahul Dravid too for selection but we could not make room for him in the squad.’ Imagine if Dravid had just retorted, ‘but I have already retired!’ The BCCI would be left with eggs on its face which of course, is a strict no-no. No one messes with the BCCI. No one.

The ICC has plans to come up with a standard framework for a cricketer to retire. It is a relatively complex procedure. The first step is to compose a Statement of Purpose and send it to the ICC. If ratified, the ICC then sends out a questionnaire that the retiree has to fill in. This is then evaluated and only then can the retiree retire; if he passes that is. The questionnaire goes like this:

THE RETIREMENT PLAN

Instructions:

• Read all questions properly. If you can’t read, we can’t help you.
• There is no objective marking. All marking is subject to BCCI ICC rules. Coin tosses may be used to decide the final outcome.
• All questions are mandatory.

Q1) Do you plan to retire?

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. I think so.
4. Why do you ask?

Q2) Are you sure?

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. What sort of a question is this?

Q3) Which form of the game do you wish to retire from?

1. Test
2. ODIs
3. T20s
4. IPL (Hint: This may not be the best of answers. Just saying. – BCCI)

Q4) If the answer to the previous question is (4), then, have you informed your team owner of your decision?

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. Why do I need to? It is me who is retiring, not him.

*Q5) If the answer to Q3 is not (4), then what the hell are you playing cricket for?

1. I think country comes over club
2. I believe that only test cricket is real cricket
3. The IPL sucks

Q6) Does the BCCI ICC stand to gain from you playing on, in terms of commercial endorsements?

1. Yes
2. No
3. I am the master of my own destiny (yeah right!)

And the final two questions:

Q7) Are you from Pakistan?

1. Yes
2. No

Q8) If yes, how many times have you retired in the past?

1. One
2. More than one
3. Yet to make debut
4. I’ve lost count
5. I’m Afridi. I don’t need to answer this.

*The star marked question is a trick question. All answers are wrong. There is no right answer. Gotcha. Sucker.

P.S: Ha!