Satire: Rohit Sharma ready for his annual international underperformance

Eyes off the ball: Practicing hard to let another opportunity in India colours to slip by

DISCLAIMER: This piece is a work of fiction, and is to be read with a pinch of salt.

Following a fantastic leading-from-the-front performance, Mumbai Indians captain Rohit Sharma is all set to continue his annual ritual of returning to international cricket and underperforming.

“I am thrilled and I look forward to the international season”, said a beaming Sharma. “It is my constant endeavour to come back to form only during the IPL, raise the hopes of everyone – selectors, spectators, teammates – of being the next big thing in international cricket, and then failing miserably… Till the next season!”, he said, before going off to lift Nita Ambani.

“Rohit is a hallmark of consistency”, said Kris Srikkanth, former member of the selection panel. “He makes our jobs very easy… I only wish some of our other players were as consistent! Cha!”

Sharma, notorious for underperformance the moment the ‘Mumbai’ stops being part of his team name, says he is practicing hard so as to not let the hype go to waste.

“I’ve been practicing hard at being troubled by the short ball, meticulously working on prodding outside the off stump… My coach has told me that my footwork has increased greatly, and I am taking a lot of measures in order to reduce that… It’s a lot of hard work but I’m confident I’ll be ready by the time the international season starts… Or should I say – not be ready?”, he sniggered, signing a 10-crore endorsement deal before his form ran out.

In order to ensure success, Sharma has roped in the best of international coaches. “I’ve got down the best of people – those who were absolute legends on the domestic circuit but rubbish the moment they took up their country colours”, said Sharma.

His roster of coaches includes ex-England county bullies Graeme Hick and Mark Ramprakash. Also considered for the role was India’s own Ajay Sharma (who has the fourth highest batting average in ALL of Test cricket – 67.46, behind the minor names of Don Bradman, Vijay Merchant and George Headley – but played only one test and 31 ODIs producing a total of 487 runs). However, given his involvement in match-fixing, he was borrowed by S Sreesanth for other coaching lessons (and we’re guessing it’s not to learn how to bowl a better outswinger).

“I’m also looking at personalities who are huge in India, but typically considered rubbish abroad… So I’m considering Anil Kapoor as well”, said Sharma, needlessly bringing to mind the actor’s Pune-Warriors-like performance in Mission Impossible: 4.

The public reaction to this is quite mixed, as always. “Usually players are paid by bookies for such things – but Rohit does it pro bono! What a man!”, said a hardcore Mumbai Indians fan called Gokul.