Satire: Are you a true Indian cricket fan?

The recently concluded IPL and the new ICC regulations have raised a lot of questions among cricket fans and critics alike. Let us try answering a few ‘unanswerable’ ones. The options provided for each question are meant to guide you to salvation – the ultimate cricket ‘nirvana’.

Do not Panic! The quiz level is set to ‘Beginner’ and hence does not include a few tough questions like ‘How many times was the phrase Citi moment of success uttered by commentators in IPL V’ or ‘When will Pune Warriors win’.

(Please note down the option number you choose for each question. It will help you with the final question)

Q.1. The IPL is worth watching. Debate.

A. Strongly Agree – The fun, the gala, the after-parties. And..er.. sorry.. It is a great platform for youngsters. Where else can you imagine Ishant learning from Steyn, or Yadav bowling to Warner in the nets? It has definitely strengthened ties between Indian and foreign cricketers and will result in more ‘friendly’ games in the future.

B. Partly Agree – From a cricketing point of view, yes it is. But if you consider the amount of masala added to it, it is almost unpalatable. Why don’t they leave cricket as it is? What is the need to bring in Bollywood, politics, cookery, gardening etc.

C. Disagree – No, it is an absolute waste of time. Players don’t prefer to play for their national teams, and the few who do, are fatigued. And see how long the tournament runs. Wish my car ran that far for a litre of petrol!

D. Strongly Disagree – @#$%^&!! Its all rehearsed! Add to it, those Idea ads, SRK and Danny Morrison!!!

Q.2. How did the same Volkswagon Vento travel from one city to another in a matter of minutes for back to back matches on the same day?

A. A replica was available with all stadiums. The car on the podium was just for display. The actual prize car made its appearance only when it was handed over to the winner.

B. It ‘went’ through satellite communication arranged by the BCCI. That’s why it is called the ‘Went’-o ! ;-)

C. There were 9 cars actually. They made us believe there was only one. Much like they made us believe that Mumbai did not finish last in the Fairplay award table. Wonder where the other 8 are now!

D. Volkswagon Vento is Maha Vishnu.

Q.3. Who will replace Rahul Dravid?

A. The new crop of Kohli, Rohit, Rahane and Pujara are quite talented and any of these youngsters can replace the ‘Wall’.

B. Vishwanathan Anand. Because he keeps winning games ‘away’!

C. He cannot be replaced! Talk him out of retirement. Cite him the examples of ‘He-who-must-not-be-Named’ and the others. Threaten him of BCCI action. Make him watch videos of Raina against SA in 2011. Beg him for mercy. Promise him he will not be ditched again. Send him for a counseling session with Afridi.

D. Irrelevant to me, I don’t care to watch India play Test cricket anymore, now that Dravid has retired.

Note: If you said ‘D’, join the club, mate!

Vishwanathan Anand – India’s best player on foreign soil

Q.4. When will the DRS be universally accepted? (or) When will BCCI accept the DRS? (Both mean the same)

A. Just a matter of time. The DRS will eliminate a lot of blatant umpiring errors. It is worth keeping, atleast in a few bilateral series as a starter.

B. Never! The DRS is fake and ‘Vidheshi’! It was one of the main reasons India lost the series in England. (This means you are associated with the BCCI)

C. When Ravi and Nasser patch up things and sing ‘Yeh dostii, hum nahin chodengee….!’

D. Arey! Yeh DRS kya hota hai??

Q.5. Is the new regulation of 2 bouncers an over in ODIs a welcome move?

A. Definitely. ‘It will keep the batsmen on their toes, because they are not sure when the bowler is going to bang it in short again’ – This was what Sunny had to say. Finally, the ICC has understood the difference between bowlers and bowling machines (Not the ones that bowled ‘hit-me-please’ balls in the Super 6s contest in the IPL).

B. Vehemently Oppose. How will we Indians be able to play abroad? We can’t have every World Cup organized in the subcontinent. 2 bouncers an over in ODIs = another DRS.

C. I don’t care, I am an off-spinner.

D. I don’t care, I am Ben ‘full-toss’ Hilfenhaus.

Q.6. Should Kapil Dev have been awarded the one-time benefit amount by the BCCI?

A. What question !?!?! He is one of the all-time greats. Ask any of the current generation of cricketers what their favorite cricketing image is, they will say ‘A blue blazer clad Kapil, hoisting the cup above his head on the Lord’s balcony’. Of all people, he was the most deserving candidate, and it was really unfair of the BCCI to do this to him.

B. He refused amnesty from the BCCI. Serves him right for crossing swords with the Board.

C. Doesn’t matter. He is beyond all this.

D. Yeh IPL hai boss!!

1983 – Every Indian's favourite moment!

Q.7. Why did CSK break the bank to sign Ravindra Jadeja for a whopping $2 million?

Sincere apologies! Cant think of any possible answer options! Readers are welcome to add any of their own.

Q.8. Will we watch Dada ‘play’ again? (Please read the question carefully. ‘Play’ and not just Play)

A. Yes of course! Dadagiri! How many times do we have to say ‘I told you so’??

B. There is no denying the fact that he is a modern day legend, but we must accept that he is well past his prime. It is unfair to expect him to dance down to the left arm off-spinner and deposit the ball on Sachin’s Ferrari parked outside the stadium.

C. Why should he play? I am content to see him on the sidelines as the team mentor. Not that Pune did any better in the game that he sat out.

D. Yes, I will. I have EA Cricket 2007 and Ashes 2009 Edition and also the video clippings of the Natwest Series. If only the electricity department obliges!

Q.9. When will Sachin retire?

A. After the next series/when he wants to

B. After 6 years – the terms of office for Rajya Sabha

C. After the first international match he plays alongside Arjun Tendulkar

D. After the ‘Apocalypse’

Q.10. Why do many Indian cricketers utter ‘gaali’s on picking up a wicket/scoring a century and smile on conceding 5 wides/getting out to a dolly ?

A. It is called ‘aggression’. “Bring it on, you @#$%^&*….”!!

B. They are disgruntled with their pay. Or maybe their team-mates’ pay.

C. Danny Morrison confounded them

D. “There is nothing of that sort happening in our knowledge. An inquiry commission has been set up and investigation is underway. It will be discussed in our next board meeting, and steps will be taken to cover their mouths on screen with mosaic tiles in possible volatile moments.”

Q.11. Who was the best commentator during IPL V?

A. Sunil Gavaskar

B. Ravi Shastri or Lax Sivaramakrishnan

C. Harsha Bhogle, Pommie Mbangwa and the rest

D. You watched it online (or) muted your TV set, in either case, fearing ‘Him’

A bo(g)nus question – To see what category of Indian fans you fall into:

12. How many questions did you answer with the options ‘A’ or ‘B’?

A. All – You are the ‘ideal’ Indian cricket fan. You stick to your team, no matter what. Cricket is religion, Indian team is God, BCCI is your sanctuary.

B. More than half – You are the ‘practical’ Indian cricket fan. You know there are many fallacies in Indian cricket and in the system, but you remain steadfast in your support because you know that the situation can improve any day

C. One or two – You are on the verge of renouncing your support for the Indian team. You are looking at the performances of teams like the West Indies, Bangladesh and Ireland, and are expected to shift your base soon.

D. None – You have had enough and have contacted Azhar Mahmood to understand the guidelines for applying for a second passport.

Thank you for your time, introspecting your stand, opening your minds to ‘Moksha’. Will be back soon, with the ‘Intermediate’ level quiz!