Satire: Dear Diary! A few diary entries from the Indian Cricket fraternity

On the eve of the 2nd ODI against England, here’s a sneak peek in to the diary entries of the Indian Cricket fraternity.

Team Coach, Duncan Fletcher

“Dear Diary, today the chair on which I sat to watch the practice was a little hard; I have to ask the board to get me better chairs to watch the practice. These chairs may end up giving me a back ache, boy that won’t be good for the 2-3 times in the day that I go to the rest room. Chuck a softer chair, I will ask for a wheel chair, Stephen Hawking-style.

Oh almost forgot, I have to change my lenses too and have to get my laptop serviced. Gosh, I should get my priorities right, almost forgot my BP pills, cholesterol medicines and a new pair of shorts.

Oh, is there a game tomorrow? Let me cross check with MS, I guess that is the reason why the boys were practising.”

Team Captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni

“Dear diary, well of course, you know, I have finished reading the book “101 excuses after a failure”. I plan to write a book that will have 1001 excuses. I have to write that book soon, because I have already said “It’s difficult to come here after every defeat” about 5 times now and I think even that is getting old.

I have to call consumer complaints forum and complain about my astrologer. He said picking Ravindra Jadeja would make me a legend as a skipper, wonder how I would explain Rohit Sharma to them?

The weather outside looks pleasant, a good reason to drop Ajinkya Rahane and play Pujara. Well of course you know, I won’t say that to Ravi at the toss (Wink Wink).

We lost the practice game of football today. It’s great that Duncan lets us play the entire time; sometimes he gives us an entire day free before the game to relax our mind. Wait, but sometimes he even forgets that there is a game tomorrow. Oh let him call me, prank time.”

Gautam Gambhir

“Dear Diary, I want my good form to continue. No! No! Not the good batting form, ‘escaping the axe every single time’ form. It feels very good when this purple patch continues for ages. I can then focus on my IPL team and making SRK happy.

Glad again that Ajinkya and I made similar kinds of scores. I’m sure Dhoni will find a good reason to bring in Pujara for Ajinkya. Obviously Pujara deserves a chance, he has got a triple hundred recently, but there is no other position in the team 10. Why 10? Ravindra is fixed, isn’t he?

The ‘DAB’ shot, as I say every night, I love you!”

Virat Kohli

“Dear Diary, F*&*, M&**#**#*, B*&*#***, L*&#%$%%, they say I am impolite. A man always lets out his emotions, doesn’t he? So why the *&***&*$%###$%##@$%$#@@#$@$$$%@# are they blaming me now? Tomorrow I will come back to form, after all I am the next captain. Oh talking about ‘captain’, I have to call MSD and ask him when our next joint shoot is.

Oh *&#$#***#$#$$*&** no call or message from that girl after the first missed call? Isn’t it amazing? Just 10 matches without runs and even the girls have stopped calling me.”

Sir Ravindra Jadeja

“Dear Diary, it gives me great pleasure to please the fans around the world with skills that surprise them match after match. Frankly, they surprise me too. Every shot that I play, I owe to the love and support of every Indian cricket fan, who wants to see me in the Indian cricket team. Recently a statistic said that the number of such fans is roughly equal to the number of polar bears in Rajasthan. I have to ask Raina to find it on Twitter.

At times, we question the reason of our existence and that is the biggest query of our life, but in my case, the purpose of my existence is the biggest question in the life of many others, MSD, the coach, the selectors to name a few.

I over-heard Andy Flower giving out instructions to the English team today. He was telling them “Give a few wickets to their left arm spinner with curly hair and zero IQ, they will retain him and it will be as good as 10 against 11.” Poor Yuvraj Singh, having an IQ of ZERO must hurt. Wait, what is IQ? I must ask Raina to find the answer on Twitter.”

The IQ Tests specialist

“Dear Diary, there is only one person with ZERO IQ in the entire Indian Cricket setup – Ravindra Jadeja, besides the owners of the CSK team who bought him for $2 Million.” Yes, that’s funny.”

The CSK management

“Dear Diary, it was CSR on CSK’s part. (Conned into Selecting Ravindra)”

Rohit Sharma

“Dear Diary, I have decided to co-author a book with Shahid Afridi and we have decided to name it “We got our share of the chances and others’ too”. I won’t be playing in any of the ODIs and that is exactly why I have taken this thing up. We might come up with a sequel to the book and name it “Minutes at the wicket”.

I will make sure that I serve the drinks in such a way that I last on the field for more than two minutes, I am sick of all the Maggi jokes. I will prove my worth by playing Ranji for Mumbai next year and will break into the Test team. I have to call the MCA again and tell them I might be available for the Ranji finals. Wonder why no one answers?”

The MCA

“Dear Diary, the last thing we want on earth is for BCCI to release Rohit for the Ranji Semis and Final. We have already blocked his number on our mobile phones.”

Joginder Sharma

“Dear Diary, if I had as many chances as Rohit Sharma, I would have entered the league of legendary all-rounders like Kapil Dev, Jacques Kallis and Sir Garfield Sobers”

Kapil Dev, Jacques Kallis and Sir Garfield Sobers

“Dear Diary, just like Joginder, we have nothing to do with the 2^nd ODI, but we are sure he will regain his senses once the alcohol loses its effect.”

Virender Sehwag

“Dear Diary, if I was patient enough to write a diary, I would be in the Indian Cricket team opening with my yaar Gauti.”

Ajinkya Rahane

“Dear Diary, I am not in the playing eleven, that’s the 50^th time I have made the same entry into you before dozing off.”

Ajinkya Rahane’s Diary

“Dear Ajinkya, next time do not take the efforts to mention it. You are wasting pages, save paper save trees.”

The Indian Cricket Fan

“Dear Diary, please let India win this series 4-1, we have to take revenge for the Test Series loss at home.”

The Diary

“Out of all these entries I find The Indian cricket fan’s entry to be the most hilarious.”

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is not meant to be taken seriously