SATIRE: Comments from Indian dressing room on what's troubling Virat Kohli

What’s the reason of Virat Kohli’s poor form?

Disclaimer: This is a satire intended for humour, and shouldn’t be taken seriously.

A lot has been said about Kohli’s form in the last month or so. Being India’s mainstay, a lot was expected of him in England. However, having flattered to deceive, we investigate the current mood of the dressing room over his form, rather the lack of it.

When MS Dhoni was asked about the lack of runs from the bat of Virat Kohli, he said, “Well of course, this was bound to happen. As you know the One-Day International balls are white and the Test balls are red. Virat associates the colour red with love. And since he really misses his friend, he tries to make up by flirting with the red ball all the time. Due to this, instead of leaving the balls outside the off alone, he keeps chasing them, and keeps on nicking them.

“However, in one day matches, he strokes the white balls pretty well. He’s better in one day games rather than the long ones, I guess. I would also like to specify that I don’t drink, so this statement is not an effect of hangover,” also adding that Virat keeps telling everyone in the dressing room to call him K-ODI instead of Kohli.

No-hit Sharma calls this as a conspiracy against him. “Well, if I don’t score runs, the whole of India is on my back to axe me from the team. However, Virat averages 13.5 up till now in England but no-one says a word and he is not dropped. I still have a higher batting average but more importantly I’m from Mumbai, and only Mumbaikars have the right to bat at no. 4,” he said, referring to Tendulkar and Vengsarkar. (Special credits to our editorial team who had to listen to the interview 200 times, but finally managed to make sense of what he was trying to say.)

Ajinkya Rahane claims he was not amongst runs in the previous Test because he is unable to sleep before his batting as advised to him by his mentor VVS Laxman. “In the last Test match, in the first innings, I was just about to go to sleep, when all of a sudden we are 8/3. So I could not sleep. Even in the second innings, after tea, I could not sleep. You all know what happened to Kumbhakaran when he did not get his sleep. If only Kohli could play more balls...”

Speaking of the time Kohli spends at the middle, a renowned member of the Indian team, who does not wished to be named, but is respected as much as Ian Botham and Gary Sobers, so much so that all three share the same salutation, tells us about the following dressing room phone-call conversation.

“Hello?” Duncan Fletcher said, when he received Anushka’s call on Virat’s cellphone.

“May I speak to Virat?”

“Could you call later? He just went out to bat.”

“Oh. No that won’t be necessary, I’ll hold for 2 mintues, as usual.”

However, when Varon Aaron was asked about how Virat was feeling about himself, he was positive, “He’s feeling good. He reached 87 today, he’s sure he will reach his century some time during this tour.”

When reminded that Virat’s highest was only 38, Aaron said, “Oh, you meant cricket. I was talking about his flappy bird score. He keeps playing the game once he gets out till the end of the innings. I hardly saw him playing cricket so I got confused. In the last test, he was furious at the other batsmen for getting out early, else he would have surely completed his hundred.”

It is highly unadvisable to reproduce Kohli’s response when questioned about his lack of form due to the tender subject matter. However if you really wish to know his reply it was “m@#&^ &^% b*&^$ c!$#@ **&^%.”

One hopes that all these issues are resolved and he can show his love... for the game of cricket that is.