Satire: England cry foul over final loss

After a nail-biting finish to the Champions Trophy, England, arguably the best team of the tournament, were visibly upset over losing the final in, arguably, testing conditions. With a home crowd – though calling Birmingham an English home crowd would be a stretch – cheering them on, the English team fell agonizingly short, losing, in the end, by 5 runs.

However, it was not the margin of the defeat but the manner of the game itself that has piqued the ire of the English contingent. Said a distraught Alastair Cook, “Look, we gave it our best shot and, in the end, we lost by one shot. A six. I know that it is difficult to blame the boys for the performance that they put in and we are proud of it. Extremely proud.”

“However,” he continued, ‘I would like to make it official that the England did NOT lose the final of the final Champions Trophy tournament. The tournament was, until the final, the final Champions Trophy. However, the final, when it did transpire at the end and in between all the rain, was the final of the 2013 edition of the T20 World Cup. A World Cup, may I add, that was not really played under T-20 rules and regulations.”

“I mean, just look at the power play. There were only 4 overs of them, unlike the 6 of a real T20 game. In this respect, I don’t really think that it was a T-20 game either. I mean, there are six of them but not all together. They’re in two blocks. I mean, who does that, anyway? I am, honestly, not sure now of what it was. Only that it was some game that India won. In light of this, it is needless to say, of course, that England are still World T-20 champions. Well, the West Indies did win the last edition of course but by virtue of being England, England is still the champion.

On being quizzed, England coach and former spinner, Ashley Giles remarked, ‘Well, I cannot agree with Alastair more, in this regard. England are the best team in the world and continue to remain so regardless of the victor of the tournament that concluded in the recent past. In fact, the English team has officially written to the ICC, demanding that England be bestowed the Champions tag which rightly belongs to England. I mean, the tournament was held in England and it is only fair that England wins, what?

In another candid revelation, Giles was overheard remarking, ‘Bloody English weather! We should sue!’

Former players were quick in throwing their weight behind the English team. Andrew Flintoff, once a most expensive player in an IPL auction said, ‘T-20 cricket is for the money minded.’ The irony was not lost. He continued, ‘the English are puritans. Of course we do not indulge in such trivialities. It is beneath us, really. As soon as the game was reduced to 20 overs, we knew that there was no point any more. I mean, just look at the clothes and the ball. The English team plays in a red uniform with a white ball whereas the real cricket has the English team playing in whites with a red ball. Now, that’s what I’m talking about.

When asked, India’s victorious captain, Mahendra Singh Dhoni said, ‘well of course, you know. The English will always be English. They want the cake and they want to eat it too.’ When asked what this meant, Dhoni, smilingly said, ‘tea time.’ ‘India won, with the golden bat and balls both. I mean, both the golden bat and ball. So, there can be no doubt as to who the real winner is.

As ever, the last word went to Ravi Shastri and, in typical style, when offered choices A and B, he opted for C. ‘In the end, cricket is the real winner’, he said with finality.

Disclaimer: All the sources quoted in this article have been thoroughly and perfectly misquoted. A spoon of salt is encouraged.