Satire: 5 blunt tips to Rohit Sharma from a frustrated fan

Rohit Sharma

Dear Rohit Sharma,

I am writing to give you some advice as you prepare for the important Boxing Day Test match. I promise I will be gentle here in offering advice, as I know that you have had a tough tour Down Under.

Now, you may wonder: “Why would I want advice from you? You never played cricket.” Well, I'm an amazing critic and you need to listen to me. I know a lot of stuff. If I didn't know stuff, would I just be allowed to write things about cricket on the internet? Yes? Unlikely, right? Right. And do you want to know who else never played international cricket? Harsha Bhogle. That guy throws cricketing theories all the time. If a chemical engineer can, why can’t I?

Most of us have seen your innings in ODIs; not merely the bubble of talent but the desire to lift the game, lift the performance. When you transcended the sum of what the other 10 players in the team could achieve, I applauded. You have done it so many times; the moment when your feet project, your shot soars, your balance screams, your spirit takes over the inning. But what about your Test performance, dude? 43, 6, 32 and 0 in the first two Tests? Really? Unacceptable.

So, as you know, a lot of people are going to be watching you on Friday (#MAGGI); therefore, it makes sense to take some advice from well-wishers like me:

Here’s a list of 5 things to do, to make things go well for you, Rohit:

1) Be a student of the beautiful game. Test cricket requires perseverance, just like sitting through the 6-hour long IIT-JEE exam. You need to up your usual game, spend hours analysing role models. You have to understand the game better than everyone around you because your talent sets you apart. Look at Rahul Dravid. He studied cricket like a scientist analysing the calorific value of rocket fuel. Retrospect. Perceive. Introspect. This is the key to a successful career. Be like Rahul Dravid.

2) Never ever lose the passion and fire in your belly. Sometimes, legends have to hold their teammates accountable, even if it’s during a game. If an opponent needs to be cursed, do it. If something isn't working out and yelling aimlessly at the sky is all that will get that fire back, yell. Look at Virat Kohli. It doesn't matter if anyone sees you, this is your time, your moment. Give that splurge of BC MC all across the Melbourne Cricket Ground. Quoting NIKE: Just Do it! Be like Virat Kohli.

3) Sunny G talks about your talent 200 times a day. It is now almost as synonymous as bread and butter and rum and coke.. Rohit and talent!? But wake up and stop basking in the glory of your ODI double hundreds at home. When your game breaks down, you can buy time with your invisible talent or just take off and run and pick up the pieces all by yourself. If your talent is your greatest gift, prove it! Without that overseas ton, you’re just an average batsman at best. Prove your talent. Be like Virender Sehwag.

4) Don’t rush into it. This isn't the IPL. Hitting around like crazy won’t work in Test cricket, unless you are Chris Gayle on LSD, which, let’s face it, you're not. You're just a talented piece of underperforming guy in the squad. Remember, the defensive players are faster here. Even if you succeed with your stupid attitude, it won’t last. If you don't listen to me, your Test career will be over faster than that of Shiv Sunder Das. Set your eyes in. Be defensively aggressive. Be like VVS Laxman.

5) Listen. Cricket is a sport, after all. It’s unpredictable, always changing. Do not completely rely on your role models and set rules. The great ones play instinctively. Learn to differentiate between ODI and Test Cricket for heaven’s sake! Watch and react. Quick, almost subconscious decision-making. Look at Sachin Tendulkar. Do not let teams judge exactly what they have seen you doing. It is foolish to believe that there is a mathematical relation between ODI and Test cricket and apply the same ideas that have made you successful in limited overs cricket. Be unpredictable.

Forget the pressure, just play. Be like Sachin Tendulkar.

Well, there you have it.

Looking forward to a Boxing Day century, right?