Satire: Interview with Virat Kohli on his autobiography in 2024

Presenting Virat Kohli’s autobiography - Bad boy gone good.

There is no doubt how great a batsman Virat Kohli was during his prime days, but not many know that he had started to contemplate about writing his autobiography 10 years back in 2014. The star batsman, who released his autobiography recently after his retirement, opens up about his autobiography and gives us some of its interesting revelations.

Q: What have you begun your autobiography with? Is it going to be about a memorable innings or a bad phase in your career?

A: Neither. I have started with a detailed explanation about how I got the name Cheeku. I have been asked about it so many times that I decided I will pen it down. Even after I retired, wherever I went, I could hear people calling me by that name. I swear, I mean, believe me, it is very irritating.

Q: That is a very interesting beginning. Next must be about the Ranji Trophy match that changed your life, I am sure?

A: Naah. I don’t want people to sympathise or feel bad after they read my book. So, I went on to cover more interesting topics like my tattoos and how I got them. I have focussed more on the ‘Scorpio’ tattoo that is on my biceps. You know, it is easier to explain and people can also understand what I am trying to say. I am misunderstood most of the times.

Q. Tattoos?

A: Yes, definitely. There is a chapter dedicated for my tattoos. There was immense competition between the youngsters of the team at that time as to who will have more tattoos and which ones were more stylish. Jaddu (Ravindra Jadeja), Umi (Umesh Yadav), Suresh (Suresh Raina) were all good but I hated losing. So I was the number one in this as well.

Q: Seeing some names there. What else did you compete for? Other than being the number 1 batsman/bowler ofcourse!

A: Haha! I don’t know about the latter but ofcourse there were various controversies surrounding other players. In the the book though, I have just concentrated about who the number 1 eligible bachelor was (me without doubt) and what we all thought about these rumours. There were obviously Rab Ne Banaa Di Jodis who we left alone. Thought I would need more pages to write about this but restricted myself to a single chapter.

Q: I-n-t-e-r-e-s-t-i-n-g. But why did you start thinking about your autobiography in 2014?

A: I am a big fan of Sachin Paaji and hence followed whatever he did. Since he released his autobiography in 2014, I thought I should do the same too but then decided against it as there were bigger things to achieve before penning it all down. Also that year was a turning point in my life; I still remember the horrible England tour which changed everything.

Q: The world knows how big a Sachin fan you are. What else have you mentioned about him?

A: Sachin Paaji carried the burden of Indians for 24 years, so it was time I carried the burden next. I have shared about the similar feelings that he felt when India didn’t win or qualify to the finals of a series, despite me scoring (remember the Hobart ODI in the 2012 CB series, Test series in Australia in 2011?). Or for that matter even for RCB.

Q: Speaking of RCB, why haven’t they still won any major tournament yet?

A: The fate was sealed for RCB when I bowled the 28 run over to Albie Morkel, who was in CSK at the time. That is why, as I have covered in the book, we got him in the auctions, as well as AB de Villiers, Chris Gayle and Yuvraj Singh. I feel there is something missing or maybe we didn’t play as a team. As always (this is there in the book as well), we just want to say we are sorry to all the fans for disappointing them. We will comeback harder next year (now that I have retired, I can concentrate more on T20s).

Q: So finally we hear something about cricket being covered in the book. How did you conclude?

A: Yes, the editor told me I had a few pages left. Therefore I decided to fill those handful of pages with some cricket stuff. I wanted to end it with a farewell speech like that of Sachin Paaji. But being the aggressive me, I was afraid while thanking few people I may also bash many others. Hence, I decided to end my book by giving tips about how to play the deliveries that are bowled outside off-stump, especially in conditions out of the sub-continent. There is a special section about when to leave the balls too, without getting bowled.

PS. The writer is a big fan of Virat Kohli. This is just a work of fiction and isn’t intended to hurt anyone’s feelings.