Satire: IPL decides to go the WWE way and script all its matches

Frustrated by match-fixing and betting allegations against key personnel (son-in-law of owner), charismatic players (Sreesanth), stars famous for nothing else apart from appearing on reality shows (Vindoo Dara Singh) and generally by the non-performance of hyped legends (we don’t take names here), the IPL organizing committee has decided to do something radical and just script the entire thing.

“It’s easier to control, we know which city to stage finals in, know exactly how many times we can charge Yes Bank for saying ‘Yes Bank Maximum’ on air, etc. It’s the best idea of the IPL since the IPL itself”, giggled IPL bigwig N Srinivasan.

He proceeded to wax eloquent on the advantages of such an arrangement, “Indeed, we can now add many more elements, just like scripted television itself. We can now have in-stories. Oooh, oooh! Imagine this! In one season, two controversial characters are in a tussle where one mysteriously starts crying claiming the other slapped him… And everyone forgets about it, but the whole issue is brought to the forefront again 5 years later and… Oh wait”.

Many potential people have been scoured for, to partner with the BCCI to turn the IPL from reality to theater. In a press conference for the same:

N Srinivasan: We have hired someone perfect for this job.

Reporter 1: Vince McMahon? Surely, with his experience of running a billion-dollar industry that…

N Srinivasan: Not that fool!

Reporter 2: The Times of India?

N Srinivasan: Close, but not close enough. The person we have selected is an expert at fooling a large mass of gullible idiots.

Reporters (all): WHO!

N Srinivasan: Arindam Choudhuri.

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The ‘scripting’ IPL has many critics, as can be expected. Most of them write large blogs about the importance of the defence shot.

The larger audience, however, seems to have warmed up to this idea.

“Now we can be guaranteed thrilling finishes every time!”, logically concluded one gent from Kolkata, tired of going to boring games.

“Yay! Now I can finally score some runs!”, piped up one formerly legendary batsman whose name cannot be revealed in this article for the author’s safety.

“Gah, this means we need to finally let that former legend score runs!”, said bowlers from Kings XI Punjab, Rajasthan Royals, Delhi Daredevils, Kolkata Knight Riders, Pune Warriors XI, Chennai Super Kings, Sunrisers Hyderabad and Royal Challengers Bangalore (the name of the former legend, you will see, is still smartly hidden).

“This is great – there’s likely to be so much drama now. Perhaps Sreesanth can come back and whack Harbhajan with a steel chair. Maybe Gautam Gambhir and Virat Kohli can face off in a cage. Maybe the Kochi Tuskers will make a tremendous comeback!”, said a fan who clearly had one too many on a Friday night.

Sponsors are rejoicing. “Since it’ll be scripted, that means we won’t have that annoying cricket cutting into our ads when they start by mistake. Woohoo!”, screamed one marketing manager.

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With the scripting of the IPL, however, the poor bookies have nothing to do, which incidentally, makes it the most effective anti-corruption move ever. “They should just fix everything. It makes it more convenient. The Olympics, the English Premier League, and the general elections.”, said Srinivasan.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and meant to be in jest.