Satire: Jose Mourinho to bid for Ravindra Jadeja

‘The happy one, me, also learnt from the vast expanses of the internet that Jadeja also has a cult following in his home country, so much so that he is, in fact, a spiritual Guru in his homeland. I am talking of Sir Sri Ravindra Jadeja, of course. I have heard that he gets a lot of love in India. Unfortunate as it may be, football is all about commercialization and globalization. Chelsea, I know, has been trying to get into the lucrative Indian market and this might well align perfectly with Chelsea’s interests as well. In this regard, he is pretty special and since I am no longer the special one, there is room for a special one in the team. Or perhaps a spiritual one. Or a special spiritual one.’

Ravindra Jadeja: The new Special One?

‘Since this is England, and there is the home-grown players rule that is soon to come into effect, I was a little disheartened with regards Jadeja. However, on further search, I found that he had, some time in the past, been knighted “Sir Ravindra Jadeja.” Now, I do not know too much of the English culture but I do know enough to know that only Britishers care about knighthoods. Thus, I see no problem in this regard either. Added to all this, he also has the requisite Premier League and Champions League experience. Added to all this, I have heard that he is very good in the covers and is an excellent shot-stopper. Petr (Cech), as you are aware, is getting along in years and we are looking for suitable cover. A shot-stopper would be most preferred.

When quizzed about the nature of the deal, he said, ‘we look forward to taking part in the auction for the next Premier League and snapping him up on a bargain. By bargain, I, of course, mean a bargain by Roman’s standards. Something in the range of, say, 51 million pounds. We are even thinking of readying a swap deal that involves John Terry. After all, he is a one-club man and, from what I hear, cricket needs players who can club the ball.’

Disclaimer: All the quotes attributed to the Special One are actually said by a No One. The article is a work of fiction and meant to be in jest.