Satire: New Zealand claim historic win; on verge of internal collapse

Ross Taylor’s anguished expression moments after his side won the Colombo Test, and he almost certainly lost his job.

COLOMBO – In the wake of their morale-boosting and series-drawing victory against Sri Lanka, New Zealand Cricket has taken the only course available to them and are on the verge of sacking captain Ross Taylor.

“It really is quite simple,” said current New Zealand coach Mike Hesson, “Victories like this just give the New Zealand public hope that we have turned a corner and are heading back to the glory day.”*

“Ross Taylor, as captain, has to shoulder the majority of the blame here. He has improved his batting average since taking the leadership role and there’s a real feeling that the young guys around him might just start to believe in themselves. We can’t have that,” said Hesson. “We’ve just been hurt too many times before.”

New Zealand Cricket chief executive David White was quick to back up his coach. “It is very clear that the problem lies with Taylor. I have absolute faith in Hesson and his win-loss record as New Zealand coach speaks for itself,” he said.

“There is no-one around who is doing a better job at dampening expectations in our cricket side than Mike. I’ll be having a word with him to see if there was anything he did inadvertently that contributed to the win in Colombo, but I think that is extremely unlikely.”

Mike Hesson wears the naive complexion of a cowering meerkat, and the imposing frame of a 12-year-old tomboy.

Formerly retired Pakistan cricketer and professional nutball Shahid Afridi has been uncharacteristically outspoken on the developments. “Obviously, I don’t like it when any cricketer takes the focus away from me, but I find it very disappointing that New Zealand cricket is muscling in on Pakistan’s territory. We invented the back-room implosion. This is just kid’s stuff.”

Afridi went one step further, saying: “In fact, I’d be more than happy to come out of retirement [again] and captain New Zealand. Then we’d really see some serious madness.”

Hesson actually thought such an idea had merit. “That could work actually. We need a captain who can play to the situation and do something stupid every time. He is probably an even better option that McCullum in that respect.”

However, sources say that all this posturing may be pointless as the world is due to end on December 21st. Not because of anything the Mayans may or may not have said, but because this might be the day that Sachin Tendulkar announces his retirement.

*March 16, 1982

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is meant to be taken in jest.