Satire: On David Warner's love for turtles and fear of lights

Nap time for David Warner

One fine day in alternate universe, I decided to interview a genius by the name of DAVID WARNER. For a long time now, his unique conversational skills and philosophical tweets pondering over the greatest mysteries of life have been famous all over the Twitter world. This was enough to compel me to have a heart-to-heart chat with this extra-ordinary human being. Below is the transcript of our conversation.

Me: Hi David..Thanks for finding time to talk with me. So, tell me…what are up upto now?

David: Good day of recovery, now waiting for the sun to go down for dinner lol.

Me: Ok, that’s cool. What’s for dinner tonight?

David: Just had an amazing chicken Parma, so yummy.

Me: Wow, seems to be your favourite food. I hope you had an amazing day today.

David: its been a really relaxing day today!! Need some gossip from around the world!! Any one got any news that is not related to cricket??

Me: Errrr….gossip? really?

David: Not on private no more

Me: Well, that’s good. Ok, moving on…What do you love the most, Dave?

David: I love mountains!!!

Me: kkk…What I meant is….

David: I love hearing the diverse perspectives that people have about aspects of our world. I LOVE TREES!!

Me: Ok..so I get it, you are environmentally conscious….but there must be something else that you love…

David: Loving the rest….

Me: That was very vague…I don’t get most of the things you say. You are very weird…

David: For all the Indian people who kindly tweet to me and don’t abuse me I will say sorry to u, I hope I did not offend you.

Me: No offence! I didn’t abuse you for godsakes…You are just awesome.

David: Thanks for all the kind comments, means a lot guys. Thanks for the support. Haters still have no life haha. Whinge whinge

Me: Haha…very mature, Dave…very mature

“I am getting restless to punch someone now”: Warner

David: Thanks for all the kind comments people make on my twitter, all the negative ones I will try harder to please u, I’m sorry we not perfect!!

Me: Of course, no one is perfect. What makes you imperfect?

David: That’s cricket and have to walk if given out, I did not want to though haha.

Me: Yeah. But you have to follow rules Dave.

David: Life……. Laugh,Live and Love!!!!

Me: That was philosophical…but quite out of blue, if I may say

(30 seconds of awkward pause)

Me: What other games do you like? Tennis?

David: Would tennis be a better game with only 1 serve??

Me: Hmmm…I don’t know. Anything else? May be golf?

David: How different would golf be if the crowd could abuse and sledge the players while they are hitting??

Me: Woah! Sorry I even asked! Can’t you think of anything that is not violent?

David: How good are TURTLES!!!

Me: (Thinking to myself..Wtf, Turtles?) Errr..excuse me..good?

David: Next would have to be the Lyre bird, an amazing animal and can also mimic sounds!!!

Me: I am sure all that is fine. But, what does it has to do with our chat?

David: Communicating with people who have absolutely no idea, so funny!!

Me: (rolling my eyes) Oh well, you can say that again!

Me: So, moving on to a serious topic…What made you punch Joe Root?

David: The things people wear here at the cricket, someone’s ties don’t match their shirts baha. I mean are atrocious as well.

Me: You didn’t like what he wore? That is a ridiculous reason to hit someone. And you thought you will get away with it! How smart do you think you are?

David: With all the watching of national geo and discovery channel, I recon I may be smart enough to do anything bahah. How to survive the amazon!!

Me: That is a bit harsh as well as stupid BUT life is NOT Amazon! Do even know what life is all about?

David: What does life mean to you???

Me: I am the one interviewing you!!

60 seconds awkward pause

Me:Thank you. Now tell me, what scares you the most?

David: When I was little I was scared of the dark, just got my latest electricity bills and now I’m scared of the lights!!

Me: Funny! But lame joke David. You might try telling something useful…

David: Did you know African grey parrots have vocabularies over of over 200 words!!

Me: I meant, not that knowledgeable. We are not on some quiz contest.

David: The Wheels on the bus go round and round!!!

Me: Not that dumb either! Ok leave it! (Losing patience now…) What are your plans for the future?

David: Gym time, might do some @henrygayle bicep curls. Big strong man!!

Me: I meant the FUTURE…way ahead in time…

David: I can’t wait for @virendersehwag to join me again at the top, get well my friend.

Me: Errr…Sorry to say, but that is not going to happen any time soon!

Me: You are impossible to talk to! Let’s just wrap this up. What is your advice to the readers?

David: Hey guys don’t forget you can still download my app, David warner on App Store or google. More to follow next couple of months.

Me: Really Dave? How much more shallow can you be? Can’t you tell them something educational, something that might help them…

David: Wow think again before eating chocolate, There is 8 insects legs in a bar of chocolate!!!

Me: Agghhhh…Bye David…good night…just go and sleep!!!

David: One more before bed, you should know this, Did you know, there are about 1billion Cattle in the world of which 200million are in India!!!!

Me: ENOUGH! GOOD NIGHT!

David: Sleep time hahaha not

David: A wholphin is a rare hybrid born from a mating of a female bottlenose dolphin with a male False Killer Whale.

Me: @@##**%%&&**#@$%

David: off to sleep wish there was i could here raindrops falling on the roof may help me relax baha

David: How easy is it to fool people about using someone else’s twitter.

60 seconds awkward pause