Satire: On David Warner's love for turtles and fear of lights

“I am getting restless to punch someone now”: Warner

David: Thanks for all the kind comments people make on my twitter, all the negative ones I will try harder to please u, I’m sorry we not perfect!!

Me: Of course, no one is perfect. What makes you imperfect?

David: That’s cricket and have to walk if given out, I did not want to though haha.

Me: Yeah. But you have to follow rules Dave.

David: Life……. Laugh,Live and Love!!!!

Me: That was philosophical…but quite out of blue, if I may say

(30 seconds of awkward pause)

Me: What other games do you like? Tennis?

David: Would tennis be a better game with only 1 serve??

Me: Hmmm…I don’t know. Anything else? May be golf?

David: How different would golf be if the crowd could abuse and sledge the players while they are hitting??

Me: Woah! Sorry I even asked! Can’t you think of anything that is not violent?

David: How good are TURTLES!!!

Me: (Thinking to myself..Wtf, Turtles?) Errr..excuse me..good?

David: Next would have to be the Lyre bird, an amazing animal and can also mimic sounds!!!

Me: I am sure all that is fine. But, what does it has to do with our chat?

David: Communicating with people who have absolutely no idea, so funny!!

Me: (rolling my eyes) Oh well, you can say that again!

Me: So, moving on to a serious topic…What made you punch Joe Root?

David: The things people wear here at the cricket, someone’s ties don’t match their shirts baha. I mean are atrocious as well.

Me: You didn’t like what he wore? That is a ridiculous reason to hit someone. And you thought you will get away with it! How smart do you think you are?

David: With all the watching of national geo and discovery channel, I recon I may be smart enough to do anything bahah. How to survive the amazon!!

Me: That is a bit harsh as well as stupid BUT life is NOT Amazon! Do even know what life is all about?

David: What does life mean to you???

Me: I am the one interviewing you!!

60 seconds awkward pause

Me:Thank you. Now tell me, what scares you the most?

David: When I was little I was scared of the dark, just got my latest electricity bills and now I’m scared of the lights!!

Me: Funny! But lame joke David. You might try telling something useful…

David: Did you know African grey parrots have vocabularies over of over 200 words!!

Me: I meant, not that knowledgeable. We are not on some quiz contest.

David: The Wheels on the bus go round and round!!!

Me: Not that dumb either! Ok leave it! (Losing patience now…) What are your plans for the future?

David: Gym time, might do some @henrygayle bicep curls. Big strong man!!

Me: I meant the FUTURE…way ahead in time…

David: I can’t wait for @virendersehwag to join me again at the top, get well my friend.

Me: Errr…Sorry to say, but that is not going to happen any time soon!

Me: You are impossible to talk to! Let’s just wrap this up. What is your advice to the readers?

David: Hey guys don’t forget you can still download my app, David warner on App Store or google. More to follow next couple of months.

Me: Really Dave? How much more shallow can you be? Can’t you tell them something educational, something that might help them…

David: Wow think again before eating chocolate, There is 8 insects legs in a bar of chocolate!!!

Me: Agghhhh…Bye David…good night…just go and sleep!!!

David: One more before bed, you should know this, Did you know, there are about 1billion Cattle in the world of which 200million are in India!!!!

Me: ENOUGH! GOOD NIGHT!

David: Sleep time hahaha not

David: A wholphin is a rare hybrid born from a mating of a female bottlenose dolphin with a male False Killer Whale.

Me: @@##**%%&&**#@$%

David: off to sleep wish there was i could here raindrops falling on the roof may help me relax baha

David: How easy is it to fool people about using someone else’s twitter.

60 seconds awkward pause