Satire: Sidhartha Mallya releases statement on Pomersbach alleged assault

In light of last night’s alleged assault by Australian batsman Luke Pomersbach on a soon-to-be-wed couple in a hotel room in Delhi, Royal Challengers Bangalore director Sidhartha Mallya has come out with some strong words, condemning any potential breach of the law.

“While the facts still remain uncertain, I think it’s important to err on the side of caution. Too often, cases like these are clouded by hyperbole, and so we should wait for the real story to come out before making a snap judgment.”

“We should note that the lady – I thought she was an exotic dancer at the time, and haven’t been proven otherwise – was flirting with me before the alleged incident. Now, I’m not saying that she’s a gold-digger, but…”

Sidhartha Mallya: “Have I made it large?”

“Luke Pomersbach is a valued member of our squad, but at such an early stage, it would be foolish to speculate what may or may not have happened. The only thing that we can be certain of is that Chris Gayle blew the fucking roof off the house last night, am I right?!“, said Mallya, in reference to the West Indian’s barnstorming 128* against Delhi Daredevils.

“Everyone at RCB would like to extend their full cooperation into the pending investigation,” said Mallya, head bowed solemnly.

“In particular, we call upon our friend [BCCI secretary] Mr Srinivasan and our casual acquaintances in the Delhi police to conduct a full inquiry into the incident,” he added, with winks punctuating Mallya’s statement.

“‘This is nothing but a result of a malicious media vendetta, whereby a young lady claims that she was felt up by a player under my duty of care,” said Mallya, the epitome of contrition. “‘Molestation’ is such an ugly word. Besides, the only man-handling that happened last night was when Gayle smashed Irfan [Pathan] into the stands.”

“We [RCB] will be holding an internal investigation into this matter over a cool, frosty case of Kingfisher beer,” added Mallya. “None for Luke, though.”

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First SRK, now this…everyone loves a good scandal. Why can’t ppl just enjoy the cricket…has everyone forgotten chris’ 100 last night?

— Sidhartha Mallya (@sidharthamallya) May 18, 2012