SATIRE: Those New ICC rules in full

Notice from the ICC, Dubai:

The new playing conditions for Tests, One-Day Internationals (ODIs) and Twenty20 Internationals (T20Is) will come into effect with the series between Sri Lanka and New Zealand when nobody is looking. Out of respect for the two sides, we gave them one full day to familiarise themselves with the changes.

The amendments have been approved by the ICC Board following proposals made by the ICC Cricket Committee at its meeting in London in May. Hopefully, people will say this process reflects some sort of cohesive decision-making structure.

TEST MATCHES (only)

Day/night Tests

Participating countries may agree to play day/night Test matches. The home and visiting boards will decide on the hours of play which will be six hours of scheduled play per day, while the two boards will also decide on the precise brand, type and colour of ball to be used for the match. Umpires shall abide by those decisions, but under no circumstances shall Asad Rauf be expected to officiate with blue balls. Appropriate sources of relief shall be provided by the home board from local university campuses.

Intervals

Should Virender Sehwag and Samit Patel be involved in an entire session simultaneously, any lunch or tea interval may be extended to two hours in the event of tailbacks in the buffet queue.

ONE DAY INTERNATIONALS (Only)

Powerplays and fielding restrictions

Instead of three, there will be two blocks of Powerplays. There are some further details about this but as nobody really gives a monkey’s a**, members of the fielding side should just ask the on-field umpire if they are standing in the right place.

Short-pitched deliveries

Law 42.6 (a) has been amended as: “A bowler shall be limited to two fast short-pitched deliveries per over.” After taking submissions from England fans everywhere, for the particular case of Stuart Broad the law shall read thus: “A bowler shall be limited to two trundling short-pitched deliveries and one teapot per over.”

T20 INTERNATIONALS (Only)

One Over Per Side Eliminator

The following changes have been made to Appendix 7 which deals with One Over Per Side Eliminator (OOPSE):

Cricinfo will bloody well put up a full scorecard for any super over which takes place, not just say who won. In return, the ICC will find a much less wet acronym than OOPSE