Satire: We are number one in the world, says Alastair Cook

Alastair Cook

England might have been through their worst tour, however they seem quite content about the outcome. Alastair Cook and his men have won 1 out of 13 on their tour Down under.

Cook praised his team on their performance, “We were consistent throughout the entire tour. The 4th ODI came as a shocker, but I think the boys pulled it through at the end. I think we’ve proved a lot about ourselves on this tour.”

England won the 4th ODI by 57 runs. The win shocked commentators, players, critics and supporters alike. Supporters from the Barmy Army reportedly booed Cook for winning and started chanting ‘You Su**’ and throwing beer bottles at the English team.

Stuart Broad slipped on his new Prada heels and warned the Barmy Army if they ever do it again that England will win – no beer bottles were hurled again. George Bailey, who was interim skipper for Clarke, commented on his side losing, “Got to hand it to England, they know how to use their imports.”

“I think that Ben [Stokes] played as good as any foreigner has played for us. Though I mean, he’s no Kevin Pietersen, but he is doing New Zealand proud… and us too. I mean, both teams have showed equal strength in every facet of the game.” said Cook.

In other news, secret documents have been leaked by former English player Graeme Swann, in which he reveals that England only won because Micky Arthur came to their dressing room after the third ODI and handed each ‘English’ player with a written paper of what the Australians wanted to improve on in the upcoming season. Let’s just say the English team have now crowned Arthur King for leading them into victory.

This news has also brought about speculation about England’s new coaching vacancy as Arthur might be a top contender for the prestigious role. Andy Flower’s tenure as England’s coach ended, after he resigned at the end of their principled tour to Australia. When asked whether he is expecting the role, Arthur tweeted, “Flower has probably left me with a team that looks ready to put pen to paper. I’m ready to mark. #KingArthursWay”

Cook also shared a personal moment that he had with Indian captain, MS Dhoni: “MS called me just after their 4-0 loss and congratulated me on how much character I showed. We shared a moment where we reflected about how satisfying it was to put a smile on our opposition’s faces. I mean, it doesn’t happen often. Clapping is too old-fashioned and over-rated. Booing is the new thing.”

“It’s been a long time coming and I mean we came up after a 9 match losing streak. 91 days without winning, I mean not even Zimbabwe can do that. I think we are number one in the world for firstly winning a match in Australia and winning a match with Mitchell Johnson in the squad.” said (why is he still captain) Cook.

Ian Bell shared the same sentiments as his skipper saying: “I think we were consistent throughout the tournament, which came as a surprise to everyone. I would also like to thank the ICC for making England part of the big three. Besides Australia, England and India are making the entire cricketing world look at where the ECB and BCCI are using their money. The players are doing a fantastic job on the field and deserve to play more cricket than the other teams in the world. Consistency and surprises is important in making money.”

Australia is currently prepping for their tour to South Africa, as they would like to prove critics and fans right and play against arguably the best team in world cricket right now. Michael Clarke spoke about how the English tour was a revelation to the side. He went on to say that England have prepared them for their tour against South Africa as all facets of the game were strong and a loss will make them not get too ahead of themselves. Mitchell Johnson’s lip moustache will now receive its baggy green, since it was recently cut off but according to Johnson it is ‘growing as an individual’.

England’s next heist is travelling to the Caribbean and a less gruelling series than the previous one. This may be West Indians only chance to get a victory in Test cricket other than beating Bangladesh and with Kevin Pietersen gone the Windies will be partying all night.

Cook has also spoken to the West Indian Cricket Board and has organised that all bars remain open near to the cricket grounds. According to Cook, he said that the boys needed to either celebrate or drown their sorrows and said any outcome will be a helluva party.

England have also said if they lose against the West Indians, they will have two valid excuses, Pietersen’s absence and they lost because they veto against the ‘Big Three’ decision.

A banner in Australia which read – “If you’re a bad Cook and a dud Root, then your Broad will cheat.” However, one of these three had to be removed but instead their Prior focus was on Pietersen.

Also just in, former England captain, Andrew Strauss stated that the English will not only be going to West Indies for a losing streak but will also be in search for their new export, “We never had a West Indian.” They play three one-day internationals and three Twenty20s.