Satire: Why Ashok Dinda and Rajnikanth are the same person

Note: This article is obviously a joke and should be read with a pinch of salt. Unless you are an Ashok Dinda fan.

I will find you…and then bowl to you…

1) Dinda’s pace cannot be measured on a speedometer, but only on a Richter scale.

2) “Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… ” yes, these are some of Dinda’s warm-up exercises before a match.

3) Contrary to popular belief, meteorites or asteroids did not kill the dinosaurs. That was just Dinda practising his off-cutters.

4) Agni-V, the intercontinental ballistic missile is actually a shell with Dinda inside. No wonder India does not sign the CTBT.

5) Dinda’s forehead is so blindingly brilliant that batsmen would request the sightscreen be moved in front of wherever he’s fielding. The ICC has since stipulated that he wear the headband at all times.

6) Dinda does not use his headband to keep his hair in place. It lays perfectly only out of sheer terror.

7) Dinda doesn’t wear a guard while batting. Steyn once struck him in the “box area”…the ball simply soared out of the ground for six “leg” byes.

8) Dinda has never appealed for an LBW, because on impact the batsman’s legs are immediately sawn off. That’s how the leg-cutter got its name.

9) The reason Dinda’s such a terrible fielder is because no one has ever summoned the guts to tell that to him in his face.

10) Dinda has broken the sound barrier…in half…twice! He is now officially the second fastest thing in the Universe after MMS.

11) Dennis Lillee cried like a wuss the first time he saw Dinda bowl in the nets. (Dennis Lillee is too tough to cry, even in happiness)

12) Dinda once made the home fans at an opposition team’s stadium cry so much that “rain” stopped play.

13) Michael Porter revised his 5 competitive forces model to 6 forces, the latest addition being “Threat of having Dinda in the opposition team”

14) Dinda’s deliveries travel faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a tubelight switch, you will be bowled before the tubelight turns on.

15) One Ranji season, Dinda had his bowling average in the negative numbers.

16) Before he had made his international debut, Dinda had both his batting average & batting strike rate equalling infinity.

17) Once, Dinda delivered a ball to race Light. The result ushered in the dark ages…and then of course, bad light stopped play.

18) Newton’s 1st law: A ball in motion will continue to stay in motion unless fielded by Dinda.

19) Dinda’s slower delivery is so slow that sometimes, it doesn’t even leave his hand.

20) Dinda’s slower bouncer is so deceptive that by the time it takes to reach the batsman, an entire Ashutosh Gowariker movie would have completed (even with the Vicco Turmeric ads) -during which the batsman could’ve solved a Rubik’s cube, found a cure for cancer, learned Spanish before finally succumbing to boredom & retiring hurt out of spite.

21) Dinda’s jump breaks the space-time continuum. Had he been in London for the Olympics, he would probably have won like six gold medals in the high jump category. Or maybe even seven.

22) Dinda has never dismissed the same batsman more than once…why? Because lightning never strikes the same place twice!

23) Neil Armstrong’s statement was misconstrued. What he actually said was –“That’s one small step for man…one giant leap for Dinda”

24) At Sourav Ganguly’s behest, Dinda once high jumped all the way from Eden Gardens, Kolkata to the Subroto Roy Sahara stadium in Pune.

25) Dinda commands a massive fan following among the Kangaroo population down under. His leap makes them believe he’s one of their own.

26) Dinda is yet to play Test cricket because he doesn’t like to see a batsman he has just hit stain his whites with blood.

27) Petty cricketers sledge. Dinda only delivers the last rites.

28) The global financial crisis was actually a result of SRK’s attempt to sign Dinda for KKR.

29) Oh, and one final thing: The BCCI rigged the IPL so that Dinda could bowl the first ball in the tournament’s history. (It’s a shame RCB chose to field after winning the toss). They knew that the tournament was stupid and only Dinda could save it.