Satire: Why Graeme Smith, why?

Graeme Smith: A final goodbye

Graeme Smith’s retirement in the first week of March 2014 was perhaps the saddest piece of news in the history of English cricket. His lack of concern for England is astonishing and rather baffling, after all he was the South African the English loved the most. He was a vital cog in England’s rise to number one in the Test rankings.

Over the last ten years he kept the team fresh and prevented stagnation. He was the cue for England captains to quit: Nasser Hussain in 2003, Michael Vaughan in 2008 and Andrew Strauss in 2012. But at a time when the ECB needed him the most, he shies away from his responsibility, how selfish.

“At the end of the Ashes, we were really confused. But we knew that the guiding light of Smith would be around soon”, said an English cricketer whose name always makes you feel hungry (it rhymes with book, look, crook…). “We are a team built on traditions and Graeme Smith was the biggest part of it”, he added.

The English fans are now worried that England might turn into another India, whose captain only plays to collect an unbelievably large number of positives and not positive results. Alastair Cook may now have to be the captain till he is forced to get onto a wheel chair. Perhaps Shahid Afridi’s or Brad Hogg’s surgeon might be the only hope.

The BCCI, a.k.a Board of Control of Cricketers Internationally, isn’t too amused with Smith’s sudden retirement either. “The only way for us to motivate Zaheer was by promising him a series against South Africa. Without his bunny, India might lose another world class seamer who has the capability to bowl at 120 kmph”, said India’s imported teletubby, Duncan Fletcher.

Mr. N Srinivasan further added, “CSA did not even consult us before taking such a huge step, and they wonder why they aren’t a part of the big three! We had even signed a three-year contract with carrot vendors across India for Zak’s bunny. As a mark of protest, South Africa wouldn’t be allowed to stage the greatest tournament on the face of this planet, the IPL.”

When asked about his callous attitude, Graeme Smith said that the England Cricket team was like a second home for South Africans and that he could never ditch them: “I am now a local Surrey player as a result of which the entire captaincy sacking procedure has been simplified for England. Instead of facing humiliation at the international level, a mere practice game against Surrey could now do the job.”