Satire: 7 things I learned without watching the first 2 India-South Africa ODIs, and other conspiracy theories

Hardik Pandya is not as rubbish as I thought he was

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I do not like Hardik Pandya. It is an irrational dislike, for he has been very successful. But it is a strong dislike nonetheless. I pick holes in his game. I actively will him to fail if he is not playing for India. He irks every fiber of my cricketing being.

If he has taken a wicket, I say it's because the batsman knew he was the weak link in the attack, and was forced to take a risk because of the pressure built by other bowlers. It's so bad, so irrational, so desperate, that I once proclaimed this after he had bowled a batsman attempting a forward defensive. And don't even get me started on his batting.

The best I can say about his batting is that it reminds me of Ravindra Jadeja at Lord's in 2014-he scored a match-turning half century, as India completed a memorable win.

I HATED RAVINDRA JADEJA'S MATCH TURNING HALF CENTURY AT LORD'S. I hate it more than the fact that Ishant Sharma is somehow up on the Lord's honours board. The best I can say about that innings is that it was agricultural. But it was also effective. And ultimately contributed to victory. He seized the moment. And Pandya does too.

A cursory analysis of the scoreboard shows that Pandya bowled 21 out of 42 dot balls in the first match, and 14 out of 30 dot balls in the second match. That means 50% of his deliveries were not scored off. He gave away 5 boundaries in the first match, and 6 in the second. 44 out of 75 runs scored off of him in the 2 matches were boundaries.

The other 31 runs scored off of him were scored off of 72 deliveries-an economy rate of 2.6 to the over. All of this means that Hardik Pandya is a good bowler, who will become even better as he improves his discipline. He is learning on the job, and on the grandest stage.

The numbers don't lie.

Which just goes you to show that statistics are like peppers in Chinese food - completely and utterly useless. Hardik Pandya is rubbish. He's not as rubbish as I thought he was. He's worse. He didn't complete his full quota of overs in either match, and scored only 3 at a strike-rate of fifty(so much for the big hitting), and didn't score a single run in the second match.*

*Hardik Pandya scored an unbeaten 3 off 6, after coming in with the match done and dusted, and did not bat in the second match.