Why your team can’t win the 2015 World Cup

Shikhar Dhawan – Finding it hard to stay on his feet and land a punch

The World Cup is steaming towards us faster than Shane Warne swipes right on Tinder. Picking the winner of these things is never an easy task. You know, with all the match-fixing and BCCI interference and Duckworth-Lewis and Michael Slater’s commentary.

To help you along, I’ve fired up the patented Dennis Does Cricket ‘Predict O’Meter’ to tell us the winner. Unfortunately, it’s flux capacitor broke so instead, here’s a look at why your team can’t win.

India

Let’s be honest. Any game that takes longer than 3 hours to play won’t feature India near the top of the table. This includes Test matches, ODIs and diplomatic negotiations with Pakistan.

Shikhar Dhawan is so out of form that he couldn’t hit the chin of Joe Root at the moment. Any selection panel that plays Ravindra Jadeja as a mainline spinner probably also believe that the world is flat.

MS Dhoni has had as many tactical victories as the French had military successes in the 20th century.

Also, Stuart Binny. Yep. That’s the main reason. Stuart Binny.

Pakistan

This team is older than Stonehenge. Misbah-ul-Haq, Younis Khan and the ever narcissistic Shahid Afridi. These guys need to hope that their osteoporosis doesn’t kick it at the wrong time.

In fact, I’m not sure Afridi realises that cricket is a team sport. His stated goal for the tournament is to break the record for the fastest century. When reminded that winning the World Cup is probably a nobler quest, he pretended not to understand English.

Saeed Ajmal reckons that Pakistan won’t even make the final 4 given he is not playing and Mohammad Hafeez is banned from bowling. It’s as if only teams that have a chucker or two are able to succeed.

England

More off-field drama than Shane Warne on mushrooms in Amsterdam.

Everyone who gunned for their best batsman Kevin Pietersen to be sacked have all gone. No Alastair Cook. No Matt Prior. No Graeme Swann. No Andy Flower. That worked out well. I bet the dressing room is now as tranquil as a Zen Palace.

That reminds me of that old joke. How many Irishmen does it take to make the English team competitive? I can’t remember exactly what the punchline was, but making one captain was part of it.

The team management have already written press releases that blame the weather when they lose to the UAE.

Australia

It’s simply not possible to win anything with cricket’s version of Dumb and Dumber in the same side. Glenn Maxwell is about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike while Shane Watson will find some way to get out when he reaches the nervous 30s.

Johnson, Starc and Marsh will get lost in the competition to not finish last in the ICC Mitch rankings.

Xavier Doherty couldn’t get the cast of ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’ to turn if he served up Ricky Martin in a G-string.

New Zealand

It’s hard to make irrational statements about a group of players that no one can even name.

I saw the name ‘McCullum’ in a match report once. That’s about it. No matter how you say it, it will always come out with that Kiwi accent. That’s just disturbing.

Ewan Chatfield will get spanked to all corners of Napier while the experiment to open the bowling with Dipak Patel is bound to be a failure.

Sri Lanka

Mankads will not be enough to get these guys over the line. Kumar Sangakkara will be distracted by constant interviews about his retirement.

People will forget about Sanath Jayasuriya and that will make him very sad.

Lasith Malinga can’t get on the park. Rangana Herath won’t know how to deal with all of the female attention.

West Indies

What happens when you take 15 mainly English speaking countries and ask them to play nice together? They quit tours. That’s what.

There is some interest in seeing who Chris Gayle is sleeping with on any given night. Twitter is great for that.

However, since Richie Richardson left the scene, the team’s lack of oversized hat wearing has correlated directly with their drop in performances.

South Africa

You thought apartheid was dead? Well, no, it’s not. It’s alive and kicking in the form of racial quotas. The thing that ensures JP Duminy and Aaron Phangiso get a game.

Also, the selectors have chosen Farhaan Behardien. He’s like South Africa’s version of Jade Dernbach, only he doesn’t hold an Italian passport and he’s not a wanker. Wayne Parnell’s hair looks like something from the set of The Last Samurai. Also, he does drugs when on tour.

Finally, Allan Donald has been hired as the ‘running between the wickets’ coach. This can only end well.

Bangladesh, Zimbabwe, UAE, Scotland, Ireland, Afghanistan, Manangatang 3rd XI

The best chance any of these guys have of winning something is if they pool their cash and place a carefully considered bet on the IPL.

I suggest backing the Chennai Super Kings for the ‘fair play’ award.