The Ashes diary of Australia’s thirteenth man - Andrew Nother Mitchell

Mitchell Johnson, for once, is patted for his good work by his teammates here

Disclaimer: This article is written in jest and should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Tuesday 9th July, 2013

Well, it’s finally here: we’ve survived the Champions Trophy, Davo’s temper, a change in coaching personnel, the arrival of Smithy and his pie obsession, the giants that are Worcestershire and another Pup back scare and, yet, here we are on the eve of the first Ashes Test.

Everyone is settled into their hotel and has had a few sessions in the nets and Ed has even organised a couple of outings to Hooters, which is just down the road from the ground. It’s all good.

The night before a Test match, especially the first Test of a big series, is always a bit hectic no matter how relaxed everyone has been up until this point. Everyone’s trying to chill in their rooms, watching movies or listening to music (or, in Shane’s case, staring at a picture book trying to make sense of it).

Ed likes to read poetry out loud to relax. Everyone likes to avoid Ed. Chris likes to avoid Shane, and we all try to keep them apart. It’s only fair since Chris will have to deal with him so much when we play. No one envies that.

Smithy is in his room watching a film with Nate and Ussie. They claim it’s Inception but I’ve definitely heard strains of Circle of Life and Hakuna Matata coming out of there, so I suspect it’s actually something from the Disney oeuvre.

As 13th man, I have a number of things to do the night before a Test and that’s before I run Shane through his alphabet and argue with him about brushing his teeth. For example, I have to rehearse my songs about the Barmy Army:

They swing to the left, they swing to the right

We’ll throw Shane at ‘em and give ‘em a fright

That’s one of my catchier tunes. My favourite one, titled P*** right off you scabby b*******, has been banned until the third Test, by which time we should be about to lose the series, so Pup and Boof will have stopped caring.

I also have to discuss tactics with Pup and Boof. This is extremely important because we have to consider such things as how easy it will be to have the vegetables hidden in the pizza sauce so that Smithy just eats them without complaining; how can I keep Davo away from the bar and what time should Shane’s bed time be?

It’s all go, but it’s of the highest importance that we get it right. Tomorrow, the battle begins.

I have to go – Chris is threatening to attack Shane with his bat (again)!

A. Nother Mitchell