The fly on the wall: Tale from the rooms of Indian Cricketers in Perth

It’s little past midnight in Australia right now. The 10% of the 1 billion plus cricket fans still interested in the 5-day format are getting back home in India and are discussing the prospects of the Perth test in a hushed tone. Wary of what they will witness by the time they start their capable-of-changing-the-world-jobs of coding/selling/counting in their offices. Depending on how they have placed harmless bets with colleagues, either they will sport a smug smile of “I told you so” or act plain indifferently when their sadist colleagues sport a grin claiming this team was never any good abroad – Paper tigers. And you just about restrain yourself from throwing a paperweight/ mobile or laptop on their faces.

But what at this moment would be going through the minds of the men who will take the field tomorrow. I wonder. Maybe the fly on the wall will have a more close and personal experience of the same. Here’s what it sees:

Gautam Gambhir : I’m about to turn a corner and I will prove myself to one & all. What on earth did Dada mean when he said I have lost intent? Really, and why would I? Do I look like someone who will rest on past laurels? I have to make it large and will make it Patiala large. To hell with this retired man whose compatriots are still good enough for International cricket.

Sehwag: Restless. Pacing in the room. “Where the (insert a random F-word) is the ice cream I ordered? These Aussies and their irritating ways.” He then picks up his bat and goes out in to the balcony. Swoosh Swoosh . “Hmm, I am in form. Will blast these guys out of park tomorrow, you bet.”

Dravid : Silent, brooding, checking the edge of his bat. “How am I getting bowled ? Not tomorrow. No way. And for once will Viru and Gauti give me some cushion? I am sick of walking in to bat during first spell.”

Sachin : Not sad and neither smiling, ipod, glued to his ears. “Need to get this monkey off my back. Oops no. No ‘monkey’ word here even if Symonds is not around. That was some story. These guys won’t let me rest unless I score one more ton. By God, I have scored 99, will score 1 more. Let me enjoy my game.”

Laxman : Sigh. 132 tests, 16 years and my place is in doubt again. Have they forgotten how many match winning, series changing innings I have played? No, don’t get worked up. Its always been the same. Its déjà vu all over again. I punch the ball down the ground best when I’m batting with my back to the wall. Oh wall again. If only he sticks around when I come in to bat. It is such a pleasure batting with him in comparison to Dhoni and Ishant. Switches on his music player to the tune of “ I will Survive…”

Virat : Focus. I am Virat. I am the best. Like lord Krishna and his Virat avatar. How dare these Aussies heckle me? Forget the finger, I will put in the entire Qutub Minar when they come to India as tourists. No, focus. I am Virat, I am the best.

Rohit : Is it my chance ? How will I know ? Mahi bhai has such dead expression. I am sure he was shocked to see me utter the Ma- Behen curses in that match against West Indies and I was already back in pavilion. Sorry Virat, on current form, I should get a chance over you. No, I love you man and get wet dreams imagining when we will take the center stage and march to victory in every single match in all formats. That day will come. But right now, move aside and make way.

Ashwin: I am an all-rounder. If I score another century, will everyone forget my bowling? How I pity Bhajji now. It’s tough being a spinner and touring to such hostile countries. Oh how I miss India! What a letdown. The grounds looked so good on TV. Oh wait, was it the girls in the crowd? Must be. These Aussies on the field are so ugly and have no respect for visitors. Should learn from us how to gift away. Ask the West Indies. Now if only I could spin a bit and get some wickets, have heard from mates that South African stands are full of beauties.

Zaheer : Pinching himself. Ouch! Ok, I am not dreaming . I am actually fit for the third test. Fans back home would have lost millions in bets. Take that you naysayers. Now if only that dude Ishant could pick a few. Life would be so easy. Makes a note on how to keep wickets for swing bowlers. Must hand over to Haddin tomorrow, especially when Siddle is around.

Isshannt : How come no one has written a book on how to pick wickets when you are bowling the best you can. Pushing in hard, running in fast over after over. Must go to that Guru mom told me about. This numerologist was a fraud, perhaps. The extra S and N are no good. Should go for a ‘K’ . Haha! I am funny, that will make my first name as KISS. I would love to finger salute more, but will prefer that finger of the umpire at least for now.

Umesh Yadav : What’s happening ? I was told I was joining a World Champion No.1 team. The England tour was supposed to be a bad dream. My offer letter was for joining a winning team. Where’s that victory? Will sue the HR personnel of the BCCI. What the heck? Will go flat out tomorrow and try to bowl 150+. That oldie Ishant is beating me in pace when I was billed as the fastest bowler. Not fair.

Dhoni : God if only I could sleep today. Why God why, did I utter that phrase so soon in England . “Everything that could go wrong went wrong.” Damn that Murphy. Its only gotten worse from there. What do I do? How can I tell these stalwarts to apply themselves more? Viru anyway has a mind of his own just like no. 10 and 11. And these bowlers, do they even know what side of the bed to get off? If I set an attacking field, they leak runs like the municipal tap in Ranchi . If I defend, they bowl few gems and everyone blame me for being defensive. What do these guys do now? Have they been keeping when the Broads and Bresnans and Siddles and Pattinsons of this world go after our guys. I feel like crying out loud. The pain is unbearable. And everyone knows my batting skills. Why get me in when the new ball is due. Either I should get in by 60^th over or after 100^th. And the tail just does not wag when I stick around. Gary, how I miss you man. This Duncan I tell you, he sleeps with his eyes open even during team meetings.

Duncan Fletcher : *Snoring loudly* Gets up with a jerk, what’s the score? Are we still batting? Oh no, it’s the Aussies plundering. Shrugs off and goes back to sleep.

Somewhere in India Yuvi and Bhajji are partying. Bhajji is bragging that it was all Teri Maa Ki…. yell of his that scared the shit out of Aussies. And mere mention of anyone whose first name starts with Ram.. he gives a top of his voice demo of his most famous act. Somewhere in the corner, Andrew Symonds while discussing his new TV show growls …