The great Indian blitzkrieg

No sooner had the searing heat of the Indian sun forced us inside our shelters when a barrage of bright colors, loud cheers and flashy cricket enveloped our derelict senses. The suppressed pride that we harbor for our respective regions burst out in a collective frenzy of fanaticism and in those three hours of bliss, we set our hearts and minds free. Many countries fail to digest our unending appetite and grateful acceptance of the grand chaos that the Indian Premier League is. Many don’t understand that the sight of a mammoth six or flying stumps gives us a moment of freedom and thrill that our usual lives deny us. The Indian Premier League is our moment in the sunshine.

All right, that was 2008 — fast forward to 2012. We aren’t exactly falling head over heels. The fifth season is approaching its climax and the shine is coming off. Intermittent sparks of brilliance shake us out of our stupor, but we are struggling to conjure the kind of fanaticism that we felt all those years ago. Whether it is the incessant number of matches bombarding our sanity, avoidable humor exuded by the commentators or the relentless panning of the camera to Preity Zinta when Kings XI Punjab plays a match, the Indian Premier League is fast spoiling a fine concept into a raucous drama. Here are a few things that are driving our wits up the wall.

Full tosses

What is the deal with the freaking full tosses? Where are the in-swinging, toe-maiming yorkers? Full toss. Six. Another full toss. Another Six. The captain comes rushing to the bowler, puts his arm around his shoulders and whispers some encouraging words into his ears. The bowler runs up with more purpose. Full toss. Six.

Yes, it is human to make errors. But if you are bowling an over full of half-volleys and full tosses, you are not sweating it out in the nets. We see many of our domestic bowlers revert to bowling slower balls whenever they are under the threat of an onslaught. Many incredible chases that we have seen this season were nothing but a slew of juicy half volleys and full tosses accepted gratefully by the batsmen and converted into fast runs. It is easier said than done to bowl great yorkers under pressure, but the lack of commitment and improvement from a few of our bowlers is disconcerting. Can we please appoint Morne Morkel as our bowling coach?

The commentary team

The commentators are supposed to give us an unbiased reporting of events and useful insights that add value to the viewing experience; also, some enthusiasm is always welcome. Enthusiasm, not over-the-top, hyperbolic and relentless exultation that only adds static noise to the display on our television screens. We don’t need commentators to tell us what we can already see. We don’t need the commentators to tell us that ‘Royal Challengers Bangalore need to bat well today if they want to chase down this score’. Kindly reserve these incredible insights for your autobiographies. Tell us something we don’t know.

It is bewildering that many commentators are being paid hefty amounts for rattling off a heap of clichés and pushing brand names down our throats every match. The brands are not doing themselves much favor if the recall of a brand name triggers a twinge of irritation in our brains every time it is recited. A few of us sigh in relief when Harsha Bhogle comes on for his stint and actually endeavors to add value, such as talking about how many domestic batsmen have gained fame from playing glorious knocks on placid pitched and have thereafter started overlooking the need to tailor their batting for seaming wickets. On these rare occasions, we are reminded of the days when commentators used to sit around a logo-free table and talk heartily about the gentleman’s game. We understand that an element of entertainment is being added to suit the palate of the Indian viewer, but let us not drown out the game that gives us the platform for such entertainment. Let us talk about cricket.

The field

We must have performed some incredibly good deeds in our past life to be bestowed with the gift of so much grass on the outfield. So much so, that half-timed shots and leading edges are racing to the boundary. Said the lord to the pleading bowlers, “You should have been born fifty years ago. I would have given you juicy pitches for breakfast. I am afraid that now I can only give you batsmen equipped with super bats and bomb explosion proof helmets earning runs from mistimed slogs on dead wickets. But I am giving you more money, eh? Cheer up now, Shaun Tait.”

The cheerleaders

I understand the sporting logic of cheerleaders performing organized routines to direct the spectators into cheering for the teams. I also understand the display of cultural dances as a symbol of regional idiosyncrasies. It is hard to understand a horrible hybrid of both. Having traditional Indian dancers to do the role of cheer-leading does not make sense, because it is serving neither purpose. It is incomprehensibly stupid. Pune Warriors India, kindly do away with the same.

The team uniforms

No real need for elaboration. Most of us are not experts on design, but we recognize a bad design when we see one. Loud and bright colors, shining golden and silver streaks, in-your-face logos and baffling color combinations result in bad designs. Can we please be treated to some class? That means you, Kings XI Punjab.

Danny Morrison

The terrifying sight of Danny Morrison doing a half-pirouette with a cheerleader in the broadcast studio left me to nurse my adulthood sensibilities and thank many Gods that I was not sitting in the middle with my family, who would have glared at me as if to say “This is your cricket?! This is what we have taught you?! Now go to the temple and pray for penance!” Damn you, Morrison.

Well, the Indian Premier League is closing in on its finale. For all its cons, it still gives us a moment to switch off our brains and enjoy the game we love. It is the sweet agony that we will miss once it is over. We have but the battle cries of Rafael Nadal and the inexplicable patience of Shivnarine Chanderpaul to look forward to for the rest of the summer. Let us hope that the next IPL edition brings new players, new thrills and a more subdued Preity Zinta with it.

Stay tuned for more.