The Great Indian Commentary Circus

No cricket fan worth his salt can deny the impact that a good television commentator can have on the overall cricket-watching experience. The effervescent Tony Greig has made many dull phases of the game come alive with his unique brand of exaggeration. Geoffrey Boycott, through umpteen and often rather unfair comparisons of cricketers with his female relatives, has always managed to bring a smile on our faces. Where do our very own Indian commentators stand in this regard? Here is my humble and uncharitable take on this desi tribe of men behind the mike.

Ravi Shastri

"That went like a tracer bullet"

He is, without an iota of doubt, the undisputed king of cliches and the reigning emperor of idioms. There is no situation too inappropriate for him to insert a cliche from his bottomless arsenal of chewed-out expressions. Whether Umesh Yadav edges one to the boundary or Munaf Patel completes a single in a hopelessly doomed run-chase , ”this is just what the doctor ordered for India”, according to Mr. Shastri. Whenever there is even the slightest chance that a particular game could be a tight one, then you can place large bets over what the next few sentences will be. ” This one will go right down to the wire. M.S Dhoni and his men are all charged up. They can sense that we have a game on here”. Yes Sir, we express our gratitude to you for pointing out that there is a game on. We had actually switched on to Star Cricket expecting an item song to be performed by M.S Dhoni and his boys. I could go on forever but his repository is truly endless and the “stage is all set” for me to move on.

Sunil Gavaskar

"The BCCI is absolutely right …about all things"

Sunny is unabashedly a paid mercenary of the BCCI. Be it a contentious umpiring decision where the issue of DRS comes up or a debate on the IPL, you can count on him to vigorously defend every BCCI policy as gospel. However, I do like him for his fervent patriotism as he can be a very effective counterweight to the partial and intolerable Rameez Raja during Indo- Pak matches.

Sourav Ganguly

"I'm still working on my commentary…meanwhile, keep this as a sweaty memento"

Dada had always been destined to rule over many things, but commentary is evidently not one of them. All you are aware, when he has the mike, there is an incoherent mumbling that is vaguely related to the action on the field. When the other commentator raves about the nuances of a batsman’s footwork, the mumbling voice wholeheartedly agrees but refrains from adding any original insight. After that riotous scene on the Lord’s balcony in 2002 and that fairy tale comeback, we expect fire from you Dada; nothing less will do.

Sanjay Manjrekar

'' Who says I'm jealous? "

Manjrekar is quite a pleasant chap to listen to most of the time – until Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar comes out to bat. I think Sanjay has never quite reconciled himself to the fact that his erstwhile junior has now become a mammoth senior in every conceivable facet of life. This becomes evident when Sachin is on the crease and Sanjay inadvertently takes digs at players who put personal landmarks ahead of the team. Even when he has something nice to say about SRT, it comes out as a back-handed compliment. Face it Sanjay, the guy is no longer the curly-haired kid who used to fetch you water during Ranji trophy games. He has moved light-years beyond that phase to take his place among the immortals.

Harsha Bhogle and L. Sivaramakrishnan

'' God knows what the sports channel would have done without us"

I have clubbed these two together since I could find nothing to criticize about them. They are the ones who talk with plenty of common sense and fluency. If this club of commentators is yet to be dismissed as a hopeless case, then these two gentlemen are to be thanked for it. By the way, Harsha deserves special applause for the hair transplant or the regrown hair, whichever it is.

Hindi Commentators

"Kalaiyyon ka behetareen istemaal…chaar run"

Try a cruel experiment on yourselves the next time India plays. Switch to hindi commentary and listen to it for half an hour. Having tried it myself, I can assure you that you will either be pulling out your hair in frustration or laughing hysterically. In worst cases, both of these occur. It is best to be avoided by heart patients, since at any given moment the commentators can yell as though an apocalypse has occurred and you will see the ball rise up in the air only to land safely, as it was supposed to in the first place. I am not responsible for any case of insanity that might result due to a prolonged trial of this experiment.

If anyone feels offended that their favorite commentator has been targeted, all I can say is that this article is exactly what the doctor ordered for you.