Satire: What if Indian car manufacturers are called upon to enter Formula 1?

Surviving in Formula 1 is all about keeping your dollars intact, and also, never making any complains about the rising costs. As the current midfield teams (Force India, Sauber and Lotus) will tell you: “We are running out of dough and the Mr. Bernie Ecclestone doesn’t love us anymore”.

With two teams already gone (Marussia and Caterham), many more might face the gallows thanks to them going kaput money-wise. This is becoming a huge headache for Father-Christmas of F1 (yes, Bernie himself). No, not the teams leaving F1, but, the teams getting poorer each season.

As he just wants a team (doesn’t matter how bad they are) which can attract many oversized t-shirt-and-cap-wearing hippies (who think they can actually sing). Marussia and Caterham folded because Ecclestone never picked up his phone (as he was busy looking to hook F1 up with a circuit in North-Korea), and with it, the grid was presented with two empty spots.

These two empty slots, must certainly should go to car manufacturers, as we have had enough with entrepreneurs and airline owners coming in and going out of F1 (as fast as you can say Virgin Atlantic). This might not be a popular decision in the Bollywood circles though, as the sports-team buying crazy-stars were just waiting for an opportunity to pounce in.

Indian manufacturers...anyone?

F1 doesn’t want the likes of Toyota, BMW, Ford, General Motors, or Audi entering; F1 wants a permanent solution. These top tier car makers will demand results and trophies as soon as they agree to join to the circus. And if they fail, they will, as fast as Ecclestone drops a race from the calendar, turn their back on the sport. The space should be filled by teams, which give the guarantee that: “even if the world ends, we will stick with Formula 1.”

This is where Indian car manufacturers should step in and take up the challenge and solve the problem of F1’s diminishing grid. Indian manufacturers always stick with their customers till the end. It doesn’t matter to them how good (or most of times bad) a car they make or how low quality their car’s standards are in respect to other international rivals.

This can be verified by various Tata Indica and/or by Hindustan Ambassador owners (I am only talking about the “sticking with the customer” part, not the quality one). Besides, Indian teams and Formula 1 have a 100% track survival record; i.e. Force India.

The UB and the Sahara India groups might have more lawyers in their payroll than other professionals (thanks to the various ongoing cases against both the owners), but the F1 team is the jewel in their shared-crown. Force India, which was previously the Jordan, Midland and the Spyker team, is one of the most improved F1 outfits of the recent years.

This is thanks to the solid mid-field results, the sole Indian team in the sport, has produced since 2009. If an Indian Formula 1 team, which is not even based in India, can produce such astonishing results, then imagine what will happen if we have an quintessential “desi” team. India has made even the, microphone happy, Eddie Jordan proud, and how.

I know costs are high to enter and operate in F1. But, let’s just assume (for the sake of it) that one the of Indian car manufacturers is sold to “a tiger-keeping oil-crazy emperor of some country” or is taken over by a “billionaire with a heavy Russian accent”. Or, maybe, one of Ecclestone’s friends takes over an Indian car company.

So let us try and estimate, how some Indian car manufacturers will do (and react) if they are told to join the pinnacle of motorsports; Formula 1.

Premier Automobiles Limited (PAL)

PAL are the creators of the great Padmini car which everyone (not the younger generation of course) in India had either driven or owned at a point of time. The PAL will surely grab the opportunity of being in F1 with both hands.

Firstly, because the vehicles they are making nowadays are seldom bought by anyone (hence no production to hamper and they have ample time on their hands). And because, they have a previous working-relationship with FIAT, owners of Ferrari F1 Team, thanks to their road car technology-transfer deal back in the sixties.

By road car technology transfer I mean that FIAT allowed them to copy some of their cars. I am sure, Ferrari will once again do some KT (knowledge transfer) to their old pals or PAL (however Ferrari sees it) when they join F1. Besides, at least, this time Ferrari will be able to bestow KT to a team legitimately, and with a direct consent form the Italian company’s hierarchy.

Hindustan Motors

The company’s Ambassador car, which in India is famous for being “the” ultimate taxi-car, was declared as the best taxi, in the whole wide world, by the UK based Top Gear television show. The company was largely famous for building this one car at their Kolkata-based factory for several years, but sadly earlier this year they stopped its production.

Hence, I am sure HM needs a new challenge and what is better, and bigger, than Formula 1? Fernando Alonso, could finally take up the “driver-team boss” (just like a player-manager in football) role, in the team, as even he is looking for a new venture and an experience. Lifeline to the Spaniard, I guess.

Note: Since F1 races are mostly held on afternoons, there might be some conflict with the HM’s policy of allotting extra time for ‘lunch hours’ (read: siesta time). So I guess Singapore and Abu Dhabi might turn out to be key races for the team. Pity that double points are not awarded anymore.

Tata Motors

Part of one of the biggest business Indian conglomerates, Tata Group, the pure-Indian car manufacturer made international headlines in 2008 when decided to buy Jaguar-Land Rover. The group currently is, and in the past was, associated with Formula 1 via various means and partnerships.

For example: they were technical partners of the Ferrari F1 team few years ago, they are the current communications partners of F1 and FOM, and Tata has always supported Narain Karthikeyan’s endeavors in the sport. Besides, their Jaguar brand has already seen Formula 1 action in the past (with Ford), but sadly they became successful only after the team was sold to Red Bull.

And, with Tata having the experience of making the world’s cheapest car, I am sure they can work in the best possible way to make an efficient Formula 1 team (exactly what F1 needs at the moment). Also in India, the name Tata is synonyms with the word; trust.

Hence, if they kept on continuing to fund Karthikeyan’s stint in F1 without any hesitation, then you can easily put your trust (or your Tata) in them to stick with F1. This would be regardless of the results and performance (No offence Narain, we still love you a lot).

Mahindra

The group is already competing in Formula E (so what the Formula E series car is developed by Spark Racing Technologies, McLaren Electronic Systems, Williams Advanced Engineering, Dallara and Renault, combined). And they already have two good and experienced drivers in their rooster; Bruno Senna and Karun Chandhok.

Besides, their Formula E operators (yes they even outsourced the actual team operation) U.K based Carlin Motorsports, have attempted to enter Formula 1 numerous times before. This is why I feel, the group can certainly take up the challenge of Formula 1.

Mahindra knows all about being small and competing with the big boys/girls and top manufacturers. This is because they are the owners of the Reva Electric Car Company, which makes the REVAi, also known as the G-wiz in the United Kingdom.

Formula 1 has become a hybrid series (sort off) with the introduction of KERS, ERS, and what not, in the recent years. This is why I am certain, if the elements of G-wiz are allowed and adapted in Formula 1, we are sure to see Mahindra winning races. You never know with the FIA, they tend to change rules like the way Ferrari recently became trigger-happy to change their team principals; unannounced and idiosyncratically.

Maruti-Suzuki

Maruti, one automobile-related name that everyone in India has heard about. Unfortunately, since 2007-08, Maruti has become Japanese, but in every Indian’s heart, it is still a “national” company. If they enter F1 as a manufacturer, it will be the next best thing that has happened to the sport, since the departure of one Jacques Joseph Charles Villeneuve.

The Maruti-Suzuki has previous racing pedigree too, as many of their vehicles have raced in the various forms of motorsports in India and also around the world. With Honda making a comeback, Suzuki should also consider investing in Formula 1 through its Indian subsidiary. And if anything goes wrong, they can just blame it, err, well...on Maruti.

But honestly speaking, Maruti had dominated the Indian car market when no was else was even bothered about making good cars in the country (get the hint). This is why we can put enormous faith in Maruti to develop an F1 programme, as no one else seems to be bothered about entering F1 at the moment, and stick with it.

Imagine the team name: Servo Oil Maruti-Suzuki Formula 1 Team powered by MRF tyres. This will solve the problem, of F1 not being popular enough in India, for sure.

There are of course several other vehicle manufacturers in the country. But, thanks to Formula 1 policy of champagne spraying at the end of the race, they will outright-reject the chance of jumping in. I mean they are big family business houses and have traditions and heritage to follow...Formula 1 has to understand that.

Disclaimer: This article is created in a satirical manner and should be taken at a lighter sense. Please receive it sportingly, and of course, in a humorous manner. Even though all the names and companies in this article are real, most of the descriptions are just meant for chuckles.