Ah, autocorrect. The treasured friend of drunk texters across the planet, the smartphone feature essentially killed off 00’s “txt spk” and usually makes sending messages much easier. Like all technological advances though, it has its drawbacks. Namely, an inability to recognise certain names, particularly the names of foreign football stars, assuming you’re typing in English.
So sure, the iPhone wouldn’t have an issue with ‘John Terry’, but some of the more exotic names? No chance. Here are 10 of the funniest, most bizarre – and sometimes, almost fitting – autocorrect names for footballers. For those wondering, I was using an iPhone to find these.
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#10 Sergio Busquets – Seriously Business
Barcelona’s midfield enforcer Sergio Busquets arguably has one of the most fitting autocorrect names out there. After all, he’s not flashy like Neymar, he doesn’t score goals as often as Messi or Suarez, nor is he as well-renowned as Iniesta. And yet, Busquets is arguably the guy who makes Barca tick.
He breaks up the opposition’s attacks, he retains the ball, and he sends it forward to usually see one of his more famous teammates score a goal. Spain’s former boss Vicente del Bosque famously claimed: “If you watch the whole game, you won’t see Busquets – but watch Busquets, and you will see the whole game”. Seriously business, indeed!
#9 Marek Hamsik – Mark Jamaica
Okay, so the first part of this one makes sense. After all, the West Slavic name Marek is the equivalent of Mark, so the iPhone autocorrecting that is absolutely fine. Changing Hamsik into ‘Jamaica’ though is another thing entirely!
The Slovakian attacking midfielder sports a wild shock of spiky hair – not dreadlocks like Jamaican legend Bob Marley; he’s a tireless runner, but probably nowhere near as fast as Jamaica’s favourite son, Usain Bolt; and there’s nothing to suggest he’s into reggae music.
Really, there’s nothing at all to link Hamsik with Jamaica. Maybe he’s been there on holiday? Who knows. Whether he even needs a holiday is a question in fact as he’s based in the beautiful Italian city of Naples!
#8 Diego Costa – Dieting Costs
Chelsea’s bad boy striker Diego Costa might be guilty of many things – he niggles the opposing players, has a tendency to dive and feign injuries, and he’s notoriously difficult to get along with – but being overweight usually isn’t one of them. In 2015 he did admit that he came into pre-season training a little out of shape, but by the time the season kicked off in August he was back to his lean best.
Linked with a mega-money move to China following a recent fallout with Chelsea boss Antonio Conte though, the rumours suggest that a number of Chinese clubs could be willing to pay as much as £76m for his services, and more stunningly, he could be making as much as £650k a week there. Perhaps if the iPhone had recognised Diego and simply autocorrected Costa to ‘Costs’, it would’ve been far more accurate!
#7 Dele Alli – Deleted Allies
While he’s arguably Tottenham’s key player right now – although you could definitely make an argument for Harry Kane of course – England’s midfield star Alli could never be accused of being a selfish player. While he upped his scoring rate in 2016/17 – hitting an excellent 22 goals from midfield for Spurs – he also assisted eight goals for his teammates. After three seasons together, his partnership with Kane now appears to be telepathic.
When you add in his “bromance” with midfield teammate Eric Dier, the idea that Alli would want to “delete” any of his “allies” is hilarious. While he’s been linked with Real Madrid at times, there have been no suggestions that he wants to leave Tottenham any time soon and thus at the minute at least, he comes off as the model team player.
Perhaps he’d like to delete his surname entirely, though – he’s taken to wearing ‘Dele’ on the back of his shirt due to a troubled family history.
#6 Kylian Mbappe - Kylie Mapped
This one cracked me up simply because I just can’t imagine Monaco’s French wonderkid Mbappe being a big fan of 90s Aussie pop icon Kylie Minogue, nor can I imagine him really being into cartography either. However, he proved that he can sing – a little bit at least – by busting out a version of Franglish’s C’est plus I’heure, using a water bottle as a mock microphone, during an initiation with the French national team.
Maybe it would’ve been more appropriate to sing Kylie’s 80s hit I Should Be So Lucky?
Not that Mbappe seems to need luck. He’s been Europe’s hottest rising star this year and has been linked with top clubs across Europe, from Arsenal to Manchester United and Real Madrid.
Maybe that’s where the mapping comes in? After all, being just 19 years old, he may well need to use something like Google Maps to find his way around a new city. One thing’s for certain – he doesn’t need any sort of map to find the opposition’s goal!
#5 Diego Simeone – Dishonest Someone
One of Europe’s most renowned managers, Diego Simeone is well-known for his combative attitude as Atletico Madrid boss and his players take absolutely no prisoners on the pitch. He was even sent to the stands during the 2014 Champions League final against bitter rivals Real Madrid, after he attempted to get at Real defender Raphael Varane when the Frenchman kicked the ball at him. As a boss, he wears his heart on his sleeve.
As a player, though? Dishonesty is something that Simeone could definitely be accused of, particularly in Argentina’s legendary 1998 World Cup clash with England. After putting in a late tackle on David Beckham, he then went down like he’d been shot following a weak flick from Becks in retaliation.
Effectively conned by Simeone’s actions, the referee then showed the red card to the England star, arguably costing England the game. Dishonest for sure!
#4 Romelu Lukaku – Timely Lucky
Okay, so I have absolutely no idea how the iPhone got the word ‘Timely’ from ‘Romelu’, but let’s run with it anyway. The Everton striker has definitely been timely in the last few seasons as he’s scored goal after goal for the Toffees in the Premier League, hitting 20 in 2014/15, 25 in 2015/16 and 26 in 2016/17.
He’s also been adept at finding the net for his national side Belgium, scoring 11 in 14 games in 2016.
Lucky, though? Well, while his goal return sounds excellent, he has been accused of being a bit of a flat-track bully as of late – only scoring goals against weak opposition and not really landing any crucial goals for Everton, particularly against the bigger sides. It seems that his form might earn him a mega-money move to Chelsea though – possibly for a world-record fee – which would make him a lucky man indeed in terms of the wages he’d likely earn!
#3 Antoine Griezmann – Anyone Friesland
French striker Griezmann was a man in demand earlier in the season as rumours linked him with both Manchester United and Real Madrid. Unfortunately for those two giants though, he’s shown his loyalty to Atletico Madrid and seems content to stay at the Vicente Calderon for the foreseeable future.
And for Atletico, he’s not just ‘anyone’ – he’s been their key goalscorer since moving there in 2014/15 and doesn’t seem to be slowing down.
As for ‘Friesland’, the province situated in the northern part of the Netherlands, it doesn’t appear to have any link to the French striker whatsoever. He doesn’t even appear to have ever played against the area’s top football club Heerenveen! The area’s most famous sport, however, is speed skating. And with Griezmann’s pace on the pitch, and the way he skates between defenders, maybe it does make sense after all.
#2 Neymar – Newmarket
Gambling, horse racing and football have gone hand-in-hand for years, with betting websites like Bet365 and SkyBet being major sponsors of the sport, players such as Keith Gillespie and Joey Barton suffering with gambling addictions, and former players and managers like Michael Owen and Sir Alex Ferguson being heavily involved with both ownership and training of racehorses.
As far as I’m aware, though, Brazilian superstar Neymar has never been involved with horse racing – which makes it odd that his name autocorrects to Newmarket – the town world-famous as the birthplace of the sport.
Gambling, though? The Brazilian was famously pictured on Instagram in 2015, winning a cool £20k in poker thanks to the ultra-rare royal flush. He’s a well-known poker aficionado, but judging by some of his fellow professionals he’d do well to tread carefully with his involvement!
#1 Samir Handanovic – Samurai Hand-Woven
This one is just plain bizarre. Inter Milan’s Slovenian goalkeeper Handanovic might be rated as one of the best keepers in the world right now, but as far as I’m aware, there’s absolutely nothing that links him to the legendary Japanese Samurai warriors, nor is there anything to link him with hand-woven goods.
Perhaps he prefers to wear hand-woven goalkeeper’s gloves? I have no idea.
As a samurai warrior, though? You never know, Handanovic might’ve been pretty good. He’s a tremendous athlete, nicknamed ‘Batman’ due to his acrobatic saves, and standing at 6’4” with a powerful physique he’s certainly an imposing figure.
Could you imagine him standing side-by-side with Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai? Why not? Regardless, it’s still a pretty hilarious autocorrect that you’d never be able to work out. Imagine a manager receiving a text advising him to sign Samurai Hand-Woven.
