To the relief of many Manchester United fans, Louis van Gaal was relieved of his duties after he won the FA Cup with the Red Devils. After two years that oozed more disappointment than a panacea to the post-Ferguson era, the eccentric Dutchman was finally shown the door amidst intense pressure from all around.
However, he didn’t leave without leaving a legacy behind. A look at Manchester United’s team would give one a perfect idea of his philosophy to hone youth players and build teams around them.
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But we are not here to discuss that.
The other thing that he did in abundance at the Old Trafford was to make outrageous comments. Be it in the press conference or the annual party, he always had something witty to say. His time with the Red Devils might be a forgettable one in a purely footballing sense, but here are 10 of the most outrageous quotes by him as a United manager:
#1 War of words with Sam Allardyce
“When you have 60 percent ball possession, do you think that you can do that with long balls?”
When West Ham manager Sam Allardyce accused the Dutchman of using long-balls in order to win the game, the former Bayern manager wasn’t one to shy away without a response. He came out with one of the most logical replies that might have put the West Ham boss in a dumbfounded state.
That wasn’t all, though, as he then went on to hand a 4-page dossier to the journalist before asking him to “give that to Big Sam.”
#2 The Saxophone lover
“I have said to you that you are the best fans of the world but I was tonight a little bit disappointed. And I shall say why. I have seen a lady who plays the saxophone fantastically. Give her a big applause!”
This gem of a quote didn’t come at a press conference, instead it was at the annual end of season awards party. Here, Louis van Gaal expresses his disappointment at the fans for not giving enough credit to someone other than him (which was a huge surprise in itself in the first place).
#3 Trolling Liverpool like a boss
“For me, Liverpool is a fantastic club. Because I have won every game against Liverpool.”
Being a Manchester United manager gives you the license to poke fun at Liverpool and when the manager is someone as quirky as Louis van Gaal, it could only result in one thing: giggle-inducing hilarity.
This one came after the Red Devils beat their eternal rivals 3-1. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound.
#4 His dig at Paul Scholes
“You have an expression in England and it is, ‘Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me’. It is a fantastic expression. Why is he saying something? Because of the benefit of the club, or the benefit of himself?”
Van Gaal’s tenure brought more criticism and skepticism than hope. For one, his team’s playing style bored the living hell out of many fans. To make that fact indigestible, the results weren’t as desired either since the Red Devils kept struggling for consistency under his stewardship.
So it was only natural to see a club legend like Paul Scholes displaying his concern. However, that didn’t go down well with the former Barcelona boss and he made sure everybody knew that.
#5 Obligation to apologise
“Has anybody in this room not a feeling to apologise to me? That’s what I am wondering. I think I was already sacked, I have read. Or have been sacked.”
Ever since United’s results and the performance started to become erratic, he was bombarded with cynicism. Among them, the most repetitive ones came in the form of reports of him getting sacked after every lost game.
And he didn’t take it too kindly. While he continued keeping his job and attending press conferences, he didn’t let go of the chance to hit back at the reporters who had a fun time writing stories of his supposed axing(s).
#6 The fat man
“We don’t speak about Wayne Rooney, you have criticised him. I don’t - you! [pointing at journalist Neil Custis] You too, fat man!”
Calling someone fat is seen as a despicable act. But for Louis van Gaal, it doesn’t matter—he will speak his mind regardless of the situation or the audacity of the words.
Wayne Rooney is one of the most controversial players of our time, so it is natural to see him becoming the subject of criticism when he has a bad patch or two. However, his manager came out to shield him from it and perhaps went a bit too far in the process.
#7 The horny boys
“The word desire is fantastic. We need desire, hunger and a lot of times I use the word horny to my players.”
Juan Mata himself was taken aback when his manager made this statement. Van Gaal is known for being stubborn with his philosophy and it seems like being horny is one of the requirements to fit into his way of thinking.
After losing the first leg 2-1 against FC Midtyjlland, he urged his players to fight back, although in a very sexual way.
#8 When Sex Masochism took center-stage
“When you look at what Huth is doing with Fellaini, that’s a penalty. Shall I grab your hair? What is your reaction, when I grab your hair? Your hair is much shorter than Fellaini, but when I do that, what are you doing then? I think that’s a normal reaction. Every human being who is grabbed by the hair, only with sex masochism, then it is allowed but not in other situations."
This was perhaps his greatest analogy as a manager of Manchester United. After Marouane Fellaini elbowed Robert Huth, Van Gaal came out to defend his player in the most bizarre way possible.
At first, he claimed that the Belgian’s reaction was natural and then he dropped the sex-bomb to astonish the fans and media alike.
#9 Best manager rant
“I am very arrogant. I am one of the best managers of the world.”
Not everyone admits their shortcomings. And certainly not everyone admits their shortcomings before praising themselves. However, van Gaal is not your usual ‘everyone’ – he does what he likes and speaks what he believes.
After months of press speculation, he made an incredible attempt to display belief in his abilities as a manager – insisting that the media’s constant windmill of rumours regarding his future hasn’t disheartened him.
#10 Earning a lot of money
"I'm from a time where you [the head coach] did everything. Now I'm the manager and I have a sports science department, I have a scouting department, I have a medical department, I have assistant managers, I have assistant coaches. I don't do anything... nothing! I delegate. I delegate and I earn a lot of money."
And we continue our slideshow with this wonderful quote from the legendary Dutch manager. Here, van Gaal perfectly highlights the change football has gone through over the course of time. Nowadays, there is more delegation and more money and Van Gaal isn’t one to hide the fact that he earns millions more while having to work a lot less, even though that also has its disadvantages.
#11 Louis Van Gaal’s army
"The fans are shouting every week 'LOUIS VAN GAAL'S ARMY!'"
When asked whether the environment in the dressing room is flat, the Dutchman retorted claiming that his influence has not only upped the surroundings among the players, but also worked contagiously to boost the fans. Apparently, according to him, the fans were chanting “Louis van Gaal’s army” every week when in fact what they used to chant was “Louis van Gaal’s Red Army.”
Talk about textbook narcissism.
#12 What do you mean your name is not Mike?
"Last year, the third captain was Mr. Mike Smalling."
