5 things Real Madrid should do to sign David de Gea 

The proposed transfer of David de Gea from Manchester United to Real Madrid has been filling newspaper columns for around three years now. He came close to completing the move in 2015 and a rekindling of the deal has been mooted in every transfer window since.

While recent reports suggest De Gea is happy in Manchester and that Real Madrid are likely to turn their attention to young Athletic Club goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga, perhaps there is still a chance that Madrid might take one last stab at signing the Spanish international.

If they were to do so, they’d have to pull out all the stops. Here are 5 things Real Madrid should do to sign David de Gea.

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#5 Sort Out That Fax Machine

De Gea would already be plying his trade at the Bernabeu had it not been for a faulty fax machine.

The outline of a move from United to Madrid was agreed on transfer deadline day in 2015. After a day of frenzied negotiations for a deal that would have seen Keylor Navas move the other way, United submitted all the necessary documentation to FIFA. But Madrid missed the deadline by a couple of minutes, apparently due to the aforementioned fax machine giving up on them.

As anyone who has ever worked in an office environment can attest, fax machines are temperamental devices. You always leave a little extra time because they inevitably fail to send things through the first time around or find some way of chewing up the pages.

So if Madrid do somehow manage to again get themselves into a position whereby a deal has been agreed, it would be advisable to give themselves a good 20 minutes to get the fax sent. Or, you know, just attach a PDF like everyone else in the modern world.

#4 Get Him Pictured in a Madrid Shirt (Well, it seems to work for Barcelona!)

Cesc Fabregas pictured officially (this time) with a Barcelona shirt.

There is no clearer way for a player to signal their intention to move to another club than by being pictured in that club’s shirt.

Barcelona are masters in getting other team’s players to wear their shirts. Cesc Fabregas had one forcibly thrust over his head while at Arsenal and later moved to the Camp Nou, while there have been a couple of more recent incidents.

Atletico Madrid and Gremio have both complained to FIFA after Antoine Griezmann and Arthur respectively were photographed in Barcelona shirts.

So perhaps Real Madrid should follow a similar tactic. It will be hard. De Gea's reactions are sharp and it would probably need at least a couple of conspirators to hold him down. But it would only take a moment. A shirt half on, a swift selfie and bob’s your uncle: a media storm.

#3 Get Sergio Ramos to rough him up while on international duty

Perhaps perpetual red-card machine Sergio Ramos could lean on David de Gea.

Sergio Ramos is a key figure in the Real Madrid dressing room.

It has been reported that he personally spoke to Cristiano Ronaldo to convince him to stay in Madrid when Paris Saint-Germain showed interest in the summer, and the club could again employ him to help them get the De Gea transfer up and running.

Ramos has been sent off 24 times in his career, including a record 19 times in La Liga. He has the tools to take care of himself and is certainly capable of causing harm if required.

So, next time the national team squad meet up, maybe Ramos could pull De Gea over to one side, pitch Real Madrid to him, and if the answer is negative, use other methods to "gently persuade" the goalkeeper to pack up his bags and head to the Spanish capital.

#2 Enlist Ana Botella to extol the virtues of Madrid

Ana Botella could invite David de Gea to a relaxing cup of cafe con leche.

Back in 2015, De Gea’s now-fiancee Edurne Garcia admitted that she was struggling to adapt to life in Manchester. A Spanish presenter put to her that it was “uglier than the back of a fridge,” and she didn’t correct him.

“It’s not very nice, that’s for sure,” she explained. “You have to hunt out specific places, the nicer places. But even then Spain is nicer.”

So if Real Madrid want to convince De Gea to come back to his homeland, perhaps their best route would be by leaning on his fiancee. They are both Madrid natives but maybe they need a refresher of its charms.

Former Madrid mayor Ana Botella would be just the women to provide it. She would tell them just how “fun” Madrid is, remind them that “no-one celebrates life like Spanish people do,” and perhaps even invite them for “a relaxing cup of cafe con leche in Plaza Mayor.”

#1 Get a Doctor to detail the harms of Vitamin D deficiency

David de Gea on one of those cold English nights.

It is a stereotype that English weather is terrible but it does have some basis in fact. A study once found that 65% of the surveyed Premier League footballers suffered from vitamin D deficiency once the winter months came around. There simply wasn’t enough sunlight for them.

Vitamin D deficiency is associated with a number of medical issues, including a loss of muscle strength and mass, lower levels of immunity, high blood pressure and even an increased risk of cancer and neurological disorders.

Madrid could therefore make a clear medical argument to De Gea that he would be better off leaving England as soon as possible in order to enjoy the rest of his career in sunny, Vitamin-D-filled Spain. Would he rather live in Manchester, with its 1416 hours of sunshine and 143 rainy days per year or Madrid, with 2,769 hours of sunshine and just 59 rainy days per year?

It’s not the hardest of choices.