A week in football is a week full of dramas. One can only wonder why people watch daily soaps when there is football actually providing better entertainment and stories than most things in the world.
With the onset of Euros and business-end of Copa America’s group stages taking place this week, we have witnessed some really incredible things—and what else could you expect? It is not every day that both the Copa America and the Euros fall in the same year.
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Hence, we are now on a roller-coaster ride which will end only to put us on another one––that of the club football season. With so much happening around, here are the 5 most important things we learned this week…
#1 Joachim Low is a horrible person
When you are on live TV and have no qualms about smelling your private parts and eating your boogies, you are a vile person.
With a viewership of around a million people for each Germany game, it is inscrutable as to how Joachim Low does it without a hint of shame. It is as if he is eating hotdogs or sandwiches on the pitch, only that they are produced from his nose.
With at least 2 more Germany matches to be played, we—as football writers that are bound to watch games in order to earn our bread—shudder at the thought of having to witness quality football being accompanied by Low’s unhygienic methods.
There was once a time when covering Germany games was fun. Now, however, the TV room almost always ends up smelling like puke. While there is no doubt that Low has carved out a brilliant attacking team that is a delight for sore eyes, it is only when the cameras focus towards the Germany manager that we no longer wish to live on this earth.
#2 Russians don’t care about others
At first, they throw flares at English supporters. Then, they jump over the fence that divided them and start kicking and punching fleeing English supporters. To top all of this, their high-ranked officials come out and actually support those acts of hooliganism, with a Russian senior police official claiming that the French police can’t handle the manly Russian hooligans because they are “used to policing gay parades.”
Seriously, what the ****? The next thing we know, Russia will actually declare war on France.
Not only has this sort of behavior tarnished the name of Russia even further, it also depicts how much they care about others: none.
It seems as though the Russians are not ones to hide their views in order to fit into the society, they are just too hipster for that. Instead, they will speak and do however they please to regardless of whether it harms others emotionally or physically.
Here is a list of things/people that care more than most Russian fans…
- Justin Bieber about making good music
- Taher Shah about what people think of him
- China about global warming
- North Korea on basic human rights of freedom
- Donald Trump about being rational
And many, many more...but I care about finishing this piece.
#3 Buffon ages like wine
“The world,” said a cold-hearted Marsellus Wallace to boxer Butch, “is filled to the brim with unrealistic mother*****s; mother******s who think their a** would age like wine.
“If you mean it turns to vinegar, it does,” he continued, “if you mean it gets better with age, it don’t.”
While he is right for the most part––just look at most mortals––Gianluigi Buffon is one of the few players whose bottom ages like wine. Indeed, the Italian captain is just getting with age as his performance against Belgium working like a testament to that fact.
Despite being 38 years old, it feels like his skills are getting better. The thing with the Juventus ’keeper is that he never really relied on quick reflexes to save goals. He is more of an aware being like Dr. Manhattan who can sense where the ball will end up, hence positioning himself in just the right place and at the right time.
It is for this reason why he will keep playing for a long period of time and, hence, give birth to a new quote: “A cat has 9 lives, Buffon has immortality.”
#4 Casillas’ time is up
And we instantly get a perfect example of what Ving Rhames’ Marsellus Wallace meant when he claimed that the bottoms of people turn to vinegar. Despite being the only goalkeeper of this generation whose peak topped that of Buffon’s, he now finds himself in a preposterous position of being Spain’s captain while being her second goalkeeper.
In reality, if he wasn’t the captain, he might not have made it to the Euro squad even. But del Bosque is a loyal man and gave Casillas the respect that he deserved.
It is a shame to see the most successful goalkeeper of this era failing between the sticks worse than Paris Hilton does at acting. But everything, they say, has an end—and it is perhaps time to admit that the Real Madrid legend’s time is up.
#5 Lionel Messi doesn’t have a personality
When a former drug-addict, an assaulter, a cheat, and so on, claims that you don’t have a personality, then you give it as much attention as I do during university lectures: which is nada, zilch.
Diego Maradona is regarded by many as the greatest player of all time. To some, he was a genius, a pure artist with the ball. To some reporters, he is a maniac who tried to shoot them. To most English people, he is a cheat. And to some others, he is a drug addict who ruined his career because of his love for cocaine.
However, what can’t be argued that, as a player, he is one of Argentina’s finest—with only Lionel Messi equaling, if not bettering, him.
And Maradona once lauded the Barcelona forward as his heir apparent, someone who could end up as Argentina’s greatest. Now, however, when it seems like Messi could actually end up as the greatest ever, one can find jealousy in his heart like they once traced cocaine in his system.
Apparently, according to him, Lionel Messi lacks the personality to be captain. Surely, had Lionel Messi sniffed cocaine and shot air-rifles at journalists, instead of evading taxes, Maradona would have considered him a man full of personality and completely fit to be Albiceleste’s captain.
