Arsene Wenger’s letter to his mom

Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction and completely fun intended.

14^th August 2012.

Dear Mom,

Today, I had yet another difficult day at my office, trying to guard the gates of the Emirates, so that my players do not escape.

Ever since the Arabs of Qatar have invaded Manchester, my nights have gone sleepless, and the grey hair has finally started turning white. They first robbed me of the big African Kolo Toure, but that didn’t hurt me much. What hurt me was that brat Nasri, a fellow Frenchman of mine, joining the ever-growing Arab empire. Another Frenchman who also left in the same direction is Clichy, the last member of my ‘Invincible’ squad. These stone-hearted clubs are so merciless that they even lured away my captain Fabregas. And my current captain Robin Van Persie, is also eyeing the exit door, wanting to join hands with your child’s worst ever enemy, well you know right, that old arrogant, chewing gum chewer from Manchester. And if these clubs weren’t enough, Chelsea and Liverpool have also joined the queue.

It seems as if there is a competition going on by the name, ”Who has the maximum Arsenal players?” They say I play the ‘beautiful football’, but I think if things continue to be this way, the day isn’t far when I will be the only person left to play ‘beautiful football’ at the Emirates stadium.

If these transfer heart-breaks weren’t enough, your poor child has to go through his daily dose of training-ground headaches. Jack Wilshere is injured as usual. Szczesny makes goal-keeping look more complicated than the spelling of his name. Instead of focusing on training, Gervinho always seems to be busy setting his wig. And if all this wasn’t enough, the new boy Chamberlain seems to have grown so much in confidence that he keeps reminding (teasing) me of his substitution against Manchester United. But amidst all this training-ground chaos, my eyes are keenly set on Theo Walcott to see if there are any signs suggesting if there is anything going on between him and Chelsea or Liverpool.

Talking of something positive, we have been able to sign three new players. Today I took my new signings – Podolski, Giroud and Cazorla on an inside-Arsenal tour. We saw the stadium, went to the training-ground, walked past the gym, only to realize later that we had unknowingly and unfortunately reached the prohibited region – the Trophy Cabinet. Well mom, you know the rest. The empty cabinet reminded me that it has been seven long years since we last won a trophy. As embarrassment occupied every available inch of my face, I went into nostalgia. Back then, I was the ‘Invincible Man’. They said I could never lose. But today, I have turned into a mere scout. A scout for the other teams, who reaches first and bids first for an exciting new prospect. But when the other teams join in, your child is the first to leave the bidding-war as well.

My life has been tense and difficult. But I am fortunate enough that my motherland (Ligue1) always comes to my rescue, by providing me those cheap transfers, so that I can at least have a squad of 11 at the start of every season. This is what makes me proud to be a Frenchman. Before saying good bye, I would now like to come to the point, the reason for which I wrote this letter i.e. to remind you to please inform me about all the new born babies in our locality, so that I can quickly start with their Arsenal trials.

Your loving son,

Arsene Wenger