Being John Terry: An English tragedy (Satire)

Look at that innocent face! Could he ever be guilty of anything?

So I see my last article, which you can read here (yes, I want MOAR READS!) got a lot of flak on Facebook and Twitter (yes, I’ve been following up with what people have to say). But I still stand by my word when I say Chelsea is the greatest club in HISTORY. I know I don’t have much to back this up on, but it is my opinion and I am standing by it, you cannot budge me. I mean, look at all the money we have! That counts for SOMETHING! Screw you, Manchester United and Arsenal fans, winning trophies on ‘home-grown talent’. Ha! We buy your home-grown talent and make them play for our reserve team. Sure, they may be world-class players and all, but we want to spend more money! That’s how we roll down here! But now, I’m done talking to your broke a**es. Right now, I wish to talk about the man, the legend, the figure of all women’s dreams (and some men’s nightmares), the one, the only, John Terry!

John Terry is one of the most caring men to have ever walked the face of Earth, but has been highly misunderstood. Not many of you may know this, but he was concerned about some American tourists at Heathrow airport soon after the events of September 11th and tried to explain to them how dangerous it was to fly in those uncertain times and that they too could be caught in a similar tragedy if they weren’t careful. But just because he was a couple (maybe thirteen) drinks down, they actually had the gall to complain that the compassionate man was ‘taunting’ them, and Chelsea (you know, when they were poor and I didn’t care about them) actually had the gall to not pay him for two weeks! Can you imagine a footballer not being paid for two weeks? He must have had to apply for welfare.

Despite this shoddy treatment, the man did not complain and continued playing for the club. But obviously, these two weeks of living on the street must have had an adverse effect on him, which culminated into a slight argument in a nightclub a few months later where he went to celebrate his teammate’s child’s birthday (what better place to celebrate a baby’s birthday than a nightclub?). But even here, he was accused of beating a receptionist up. This could not have been possible as some reports suggested that the alcohol in his system was enough to kill a small horse. How could any man possibly get into a fight in this condition? But Terry didn’t argue and continued to be strong as ever.

Then the media once again victimised him for peeing into a beer glass in a crowded bar. What does a man do when he has to pee? I’m sure if he would have tried to walk past the crowd and coincidently touched or brushed someone, they would have accused him of assault again. So he decided to not create any issues and just do his thing quietly and inconspicuously. But the controversy did not end there. A few months later, he was fined 60 pounds for parking in a disabled parking zone. I’m sure he must have picked up a knock and didn’t want to risk it for the sake of the millions of fans who depend on him every week. I mean, isn’t that the whole point of a disabled parking? But again, Terry was made the villain when in fact, he was the victim. Even now, people just wouldn’t leave him alone!

In 2004, he was reported to have spend 40,000 pounds on gambling. Well, he was rich then. Roman had taken over the club and was giving hand-outs. What is he supposed to do with so much money? SAVE it? I mean , seriously. What is he, poor like the rest of us? So he drinks and gambles. So what? Does that make him a bad person? At least he wasn’t cheating on his wife!(at this point..that we know of..I think)

Oh, Wait!

But can controversy ever leave poor John alone? NEVER! In 2010, it was made public that dear John was having an affair with Vanessa Perroncel (the hottie in the pic above!), Wayne Bridge’s then-girlfriend. And who was made the scapegoat here? John Terry! (I am seeing a pattern here). How is this John Terry’s fault? I mean, it’s that beautiful seductress’s fault to tempt John. He is, after all, a man. And I’m sure he must have resisted as much as he could. But after five minutes, he realised this skank wasn’t going to leave him alone! Obviously, Wayne was on the bench not just at Chelsea (wink wink!), so someone had to take his position! And it had to be John! If anything, he was doing his best friend a favour! Sure, he was married and all, and I don’t condone cheating on your spouse, but if frigging Ashley Cole can cheat on Cheryl Cole, I think John Terry can cheat on anyone he damn well pleases! And that’s what he did! Not because he wanted to, but because he had to! His best friend’s wife was unhappy, all he was doing was cheering her up. And people continued giving him grief for it! This much pressure HAS to take its toll on a man.

“I didn’t call him a black c***, I just asked him if I did”

Then came the big moment. Anton Ferdinand actually had the gall to accuse Terry of racist language to get his fifteen minutes of fame. This was the beginning of the darkest phase of Johnny boy’s life. A man who has been so ‘fair’ all his life being accused of such a heinous crime, breaks my heart. But John being John, decided to take it like a man. The court case acquitted him due to lack of substantial evidence. And when has a court verdict EVER been wrong? But that wasn’t enough. The FA decided they wanted to start their own little enquiry. Little men trying to play powerful. Poor John finally decided to stop all these free-loaders using him for their own petty power-games and decided to hang up his international boots. England lost their most legendary captain EVER! So what if he didn’t win anything, he was still legendary because he is a Chelsea player.

Now, I don’t care what people say about this great man. I stand by him always and forever as I know who he truly is. A legend. No, a God. Fifty years from now, when his statues and portraits are adorning bars, whorehouses and Neo-Nazi camps all over the world, people will know the true value of this magnificent human being. Like Nelson Mandela, history shall absolve him. I know I already have.