Columnist or Mushroom Picker - 10 things Xavi could do after retiring from football

Xavi Hernandez is a World Class midfielder who is entering the final stages of his trophy-laden career. He is known for his extensive passing and teaching others of what Football really is. In honour to such a great Footballer, this writer has satirically come up with 10 hypothetical things Xavi could do after retiring.

Hi! I'm Xavi – ie, Mr. Football

1. Open a sport accessories shop where he will sell Barca kits on a 50% discount to Catalans and 100% discount – ie, free – to Madrilenos so that Madrilenos become Cules.

2. Become the president of FIFA and rename the backpass to ‘Xavipass’ and ‘Football’ to ‘Barcelona’.

3. Do a course on programming and then make a software which detects what is Football and what is not by calculating the number of back and side passes – the more back and side passes, the more ‘Football’ it is.

4. Become the coach of Barcelona and increase the average passes per game to 3967466 from 341305 (which is the estimated average under Pep).

5. Become the president of F.C Barcelona and push the ‘Other Clubs, mainly Real Madrid, play anti-Football’ agenda.

6. Write a column for a Catalan based newspaper where he will heap praises on Barca’s philosophy, players and almost everything connected to Barca, and blast Real Madrid’s players, management, officials and almost everything connected to Real Madrid.

7. Become a translator: he doesn’t need to know other languages, football will guide him.

8. Become a full time mushroom picker as he is already an expert in it – and that will make him a good man because a person who picks up mushroom can’t be bad [well, according to Pep Guardiola at least].

9. Become a Football pundit at Sky Sports and say ‘Stoke can’t handle even Barcelona B’ every week to troll the hell out of Andy Gray.

10. Become the Director of transfer at Arsenal so that he can bring in Barca youth players to Arsenal, let them develop, and then sell them to Barca for free.

PS – This article has been made for the sole purpose of humour. This writer doesn’t mean to offend anyone by any means.

You can follow me on Twitter.