Dear Joachim Low,
I am not even sure why I am using ‘dear’ while referring to you because, clearly, you are not someone I would want to be close with. In fact, if God ever blessed me with kids, I would never let them go anywhere near you if the chance ever arose. However, the reason why I am writing you this letter is to convey the feelings of EVERY football fan in the whole world.
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I have seen Sergio Busquets convert the football pitch into a swimming pool. I have witnessed Pepe mistake Kung Fu for defending. I cried when Taher Shah cross-dressed like an angel and made one of the worst music videos ever. I laughed when Joey Barton passed off judgment on what is right and wrong like a self-righteous being chosen by God.
But what my eyes gazed at during the Germany-Ukraine was inscrutable, leaving me in a state of perpetual somnolence.
I do not intend to describe what I witnessed, that will just further deepen the chasm that your actions have dug in our minds. All I am asking you—no, begging you—on behalf of every sane football fan in the world is: Please stop it.
I know that what you do is perhaps your natural behavior, something that happens subconsciously, but to believe that you can’t stop doing it is beyond comprehensible.
Before, it was just boogies from the nose. Now, you are actually touching your private parts on live television and are then actually shaking hands with the referee?
It is no wonder that the German players are world champions. To become world champions, one needs more than just playing ability. Mental strength and determination are the greatest qualities a team needs to possess in order to win the World Cup.
Given that these players play for you, it is safe to claim that their mental strength is unparalleled. After all, they have to constantly come in contact with your dirty hands every now and then. I wouldn’t be surprised if the German players spend hours in the shower while trying to soap every inch of their bodies while murmuring, ‘he took away my innocence’.
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The type of mental scar that you leave on viewers itself is unprecedented, so I can only imagine the state of your players and close ones.
Speaking of close ones, do you even realize how much of an embarrassment you are for you children? Or how much of a problem you create for your wife?
“Mommy, why does daddy touch and then smell his private parts?”
“Mommy, can I eat my boogies like daddy does?”
Only God knows how your wife handles these situations. And at school, your children could be bullied because of your acts.
“Hehe! Your daddy is an a**-kisser. Literally.”
Come to think of it. You are on television managing the world champions in an elite European competition—people are watching you, kids are watching you. Be a role-model instead of turning football games into R-rated content.
Seriously, Mr. Low, it is time YOU watched clips of your antics and re-evaluate your life. If not for us, do it for your children.
There was once a time when we used to sit in front of the television with popcorn and soft drinks while watching Germany’s entertaining style of football. These days, most of us sit with a plastic bag to vomit into—thanks to your unhygienic ways.
Sincerely,
On behalf of every football fan.
