Football for Dummies

Author’s note: Before you start with the article, I have a confession to make. Most of what is written below is gathered from various sources and compiled to make it reader-friendly. Due credit to the various forum members on various discussion boards on the internet and my FB buddies, without whom I would have never been able to write this article.

To start off with, here are some basics…

Manager: An old has-been who is paid to look good on TV and take the blame when the team fails.

Referee: Someone who wanted to be a player, but was too lazy to sign up for an academy. Favourite activities include awarding non-existent penalties, disallowing legit goals, favouring Man Utd and Barcelona, and being the manager’s favourite punching bag when his team loses.

Player: Someone who is paid more than an executive of the club to kick the ball. Activities include diving on the turf, mindless shooting, kicking the opponent on the shin and posing for photos.

Fan: Someone who vehemently defends the club’s history and glory where none exists.

So now that you’re getting the drift, let’s move on to some serious stuff…

Playmaker: Someone who can’t defend to save his life, can’t shoot and certainly doesn’t like running more than five yards.

Denilson was sparsely employed by Arsenal as a Playmaker

Defensive midfielder: A player who is too small to be a defender and too slow to be a midfielder. Did I mention that he offers nothing in terms of attack or defense?

Wing back: A full back who doubles up as a winger. And offers nothing in either roles. Is too attacking to be a full back, and is a disaster offensively to be called a winger.

Inside winger: Someone who can’t cross to save his life, and definitely can’t play as a forward.

Left back: Left on the bench all the time. As used in a sentence “Darren Gibson is best left back”

Goal keeper: A player who is too lazy to run and hence volunteered to wear the horrendous kit and funny gloves.

Prolific scorer: Has phone numbers of over 500 wannabe WAGs and have-been models.

AC Milan player Antonio Cassano was a Prolific Scorer during his heydays

Deep lying forward: An attacking midfielder who can’t run and has no idea how to pick a pass.

Dead ball specialist: Mis-hit a free kick from 40 yards 4 years ago that resulted in a goal. Has never cleared the wall since, let alone test the keeper.

Vice-captain: The man in charge of organising Christmas party at the club.

Captain: A player whose only excuse of being one is that he wears a fancy armband. Usually the end result of organising a Christmas party successfully.

Corner: The time during a match when the centre backs get to appear on the telly.

Goal Line: Optional indicator of a goal being scored. For more details, see Referee.

Legend: A player who spent three seasons at the club, mostly on the bench and in the Reserves.

A Manager and a Legend

Now that most are clear with the basic terminology, let’s get into some tough phrases used by the commentators and pundits…

A no-nonsense player: A ticking bomb of a player who collects red cards on a regular basis.

Covers every blade of grass: A regular diver who goes down on the slightest touch or none at all.

Has a good engine: Former Boston Marathon runner. Can run for the whole 90 minutes, but has no idea what to do with the ball.

Off-side trap: Inability of the defenders to get back to their positions. Involves a lot of luck.

Playing with a man down: Jonathan Woodgate started.

Old fashioned target man: Tall and fat, as mobile as a lamp post, and usually less useful. Main duty involves taking up space up front and blocking everyone’s view. Pathetic at finishing and has a turning circle of a fully loaded oil tanker.

Emile Heskey – An Old Fashioned Target Man

Buy-back clause: Used by ‘Arry to bring Pascal Chimbonda back to where he was originally three months after being transferred out for the 143265th time.

Having a wicked left foot: A left footed player who was responsible for shooting the ball so hard it resulted in the injury of a fan sitting in the 25th row.

Versatile: Doesn’t know what his best position is, and is average wherever he plays.

Shows Passion/Wears his Heart on His Sleeve: A 4 game ban waiting to happen.

Denied By the post: The post tried to move away but failed.

Goal-hanger: Someone who gets called offside more often than the times he touches the ball.

Loyal: Someone who turns down a move away from the club in favour of a four-fold increase in his salary.

Dummy run: What the manager does in the technical area before realising that the goal was ruled out.

Plays in the hole: Good for nothing, but makes himself feel important by means of shrugging his shoulders, spitting at the crowd and arguing with the referee.

Next Bobby Charlton: An overpriced, overpaid, overhyped English youngster who hasn’t yet had a full international debut.

Rash tackler: Football’s version of an undertaker.

Free transfer: The luck of a useless player that he manages to earn salary for warming the bench for the next 2 years.

Offensive play: The fine art of saying something offensive to an opposition player and getting headbutted in return.